“Not all money is good money” but I needed it so I agreed. I had been sitting on a board sdoing some advocating for bills and legislature that would support survivors, those that support the Commercial Sex Trade, and everyone in between for free. You see we’re all survivors of something we’re just pitted against one another to pay the house and the “house always wins.” Really though you must pick a side or someone will choose it for you. I had been asked to speak at an airport event where they were launching the Port Allies Against Human Trafficking the following month and since I had a few presentations under my belt, I didn’t think anything of it. I had just completed the film Can Oppression Be Liberation and I thought why not. I worked with the lady who orchestrated it and she reassured me it wouldn’t be difficult for me, “just speak from the heart.” She connected me with a social worker from the Port who walked me through the presentation before I was to catch my flight to Seattle. I asked to bring my baby with me because I wanted to spend some money on her, well really I wanted to be with her and that was the only way I was going to be able to. They were going to pay for travel, room and provide a stipend for speaking. It sounded pretty cut and dry.
It was a pretty normal day and I thought I had made it to the airport with enough time to catch our flights but nope. We went to check-in and they said I “was too late.” “There is no way I’m missing this money” I said as I grabbed my bag and carry-on luggage, “come on, we’re getting a rental.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m for justice, advocacy, and human rights but I’m also for getting money which is why I was a renegade for the most part. Making it to the rental car center all I seen was a sea of people waiting in line. Remembering I had VIP through my sorority with a rental car agency there, I quickly stepped in the empty VIP line and waited. After showing my membership card, I was told that they would give me something special and at a discounted rate. “Cool,” I said as I looked at the clock we had 3 hours to get there so they could’ve given me a prius and I would’ve been fine with that. “We have a charger we can give you?” The rental car attendant said. “That’s fine with me” I said as I waited for the keys…..
SMashing all the way to Seattle I’m afraid I made my baby scared because when my oldest daughter called she said that. Now I feel really bad for that. I would never want to scare her, I just protect her, I just want to protect them both. Anyways we made to our room and she decided she didn’t want to come so I tried to get dressed and ended wanting to kick myself because the only bra I packed was my sports bra. Oh well , I thought I wasn’t there for that. The social worker who I had conversing with showed up on time and we made our way to Sea-Tac airport. Now that I think about it that whole presentation was more about labor trafficking so I wonder why they chose me I don’t know anything about labor trafficking. Everything was fine when all the people were there for the first press conference. And my only rule was not to be in any pictures with police because that’s dangerous and I haven’t met any good police. But right at the end someone said lets take a photo and before you know it I’m in a photo with police and signing a paper that didn’t even have my name on it. All for show. On the way out a journalist asked me a question that I can’t quite recall but I do remember my answer and that was to “set survivor’s up for success not failure.”
Safe to say in the next portion of the presentation none of the big wigs were there and the audience well they were totally different. Comprised of what I assume were airport workers. I felt like they were mean mugging me. I started stuttering I absolutely bomed, couldn’t get my words out, it was bad. But in the end, I was promised that I would be able to redeem myself the following year, so I kept a hold to that only to find out that she had switched positions and was no longer in charge. I tried to get a copy of the 2nd speech and the social worker that worked for the Port just stopped responding when I asked her to keep her word and allow me another chance to redeem myself. I later was told that they lost the filming of my speeches due to hacking 2 years ago. So, I’ll never fully know how bad or good I did, or have a copy, which now I’m thinking is a good thing. But I’m left wondering why did the choose me for that and it was more about Labor trafficking. I felt used and thrown away. I felt like there was some narrative that I didn’t know about and yea, I don’t think that money was good money which is why I just spent on my daughter at the mall even though I needed it for rent…lol
3 + year later….
As I clocked out from work I thought it would be best not to head to the airport early but to sit in the break room while and try to gather my nerves. I had a bad feeling about this trip to Oregon and to court; specifically. the airport. I hadn’t had the best experiences with Airports. It’s been like that since 2023 now that I remember. Someone tried to break into my car while it was parked at PDX airport. No, they did break in but didn’t steal anything. Instead, they caused my car battery to die from the alarm going off for awhile which required me to get a jump when I got back to Portland airport. The funny part is that it was parked in a well-lit and heavily traveled area. Then there was that time when my crotch area lit up like a Christmas tree in their x-ray machine. As the TSA agent laughed and pointed to my crotch area all I could do was laugh right along with them. But I was crying on the inside. I have been crying on the inside for as long as I can remember. Then I had to get the full pat down but also my hair as well. What the hair on my head had to do with my crotch area I have no clue. I wanted to run and hide on the plane.
Then there was the time I was leaving Refuge for Women Las Vegas after I was assaulted, and then lied on and kicked out for having a trauma response to being assaulted. In addition to that, I believe I had to leave because I did not want to go back to their church anymore. Not after the pastor insulted the survivor and then the survivor took it out on me after residents encouraged her too. All of this I explained would happen but they said “she said she wasn’t really going to do anything to you she was just upset” they said. Ha. After being rushed and going to the airport me and the young lady who drove me were stopped at the entrance to TSA for like 15 minutes while they said something was wrong with her ID. During that time alarms started going off I had never witnessed anything like that before. If something was wrong with her ID why didn’t she just let me go and not have to sit there while sirens went off for what felt like forever. The whole time I was expecting the police to come take me away and I didn’t do anything, it was a nightmare. Then there was the multiple times my stuff had been gone through and damaged.
But this time, this time trumped all of them. As I waited in the break room to my new job (thank you Jesus for always providing). When asked why I was still there as I had sat there for 2 hours, I explained to my Lead that my anxiety was high, and I was afraid of going to the airport. I made little chit chat about bringing my mace and how Alaska was the only airline that allowed you too. I tried to type a little bit and then I called my Lyft to take me to the stop before the airport because anything coming or going to the airport cost $20 extra. It was only because of the donations to my Go Fund Me that I was able to take the trip to go to court. Mind you this was my 2nd lawyer for this charge as well (that makes 6 lawyers, 1 new DA, and 3 separate charges) and all these court dates were a lot to keep up with. Finally, making it to the airport the hairs on my arms were standing at attention. Practicing self-regulation I prayed, imagined my happy place and “sent my angels out,” like my momma always used to say. Why did this airport have to be so big I thought as I was told to “take a train to a bus to get to my gate.” Walking back outside after taking the train inside I was maybe 10 feet away when I made eye contact with the shuttle, waved my hand and he pulled away from the curb. Now I’m waiving like I’m stranded on a island signaling for help, which I really was because of the heat and the driver pointed back towards the stop; I guess as a way to say catch the next one. Defeated, I walked over to the stop to look for the next one. 2 more shuttles that were not my shuttle had passed by when I decided that the heat was too much. Walking over to the closest entry I waited by the door couldn’t have been but 2 minutes when low and behold there came my shuttle. Running as fast as I could with my luggage and back pack in tow I made it to the shuttle and eventually got out the heat.
Once I arrived, I went into the first entrance I saw but was told I needed to go out that entrance and into the next building which I did. Looking for Alaska, I felt relieved once I had my ticket and bag checked. I asked for a wheelchair because I just couldn’t manage my nerves. I had been given some medicine the last time I went to the ER because I couldn’t stop crying but they couldn’t give me anything stronger unless I went to the free state clinic, so I had been praying through it. Once the wheelchair came, he was a friendly man who got me to the gate with the quickness. Right by the Love Shack. How funny every time I fly out in Dallas, I’m flying from this gate. I immediately noticed there was a long line to the gate so I thanked the guy who got me there sat my stuff down and got in line to see if I could get on the plane early when a gentleman ahead of me said “my flight got canceled, I’m trying to see if I can get another one.” Wait, what, this couldn’t be my flight I had just checked in and made it to the gate in 20 minutes and it is canceled already. Finally, I made my way to the front of the line and waited to be called forward. I was next but the guy at the gate motioned to the person behind me to come forward. “Excuse me sir but I was next” I said. Stepping forward I asked about my flight and sure enough it had been canceled that quickly. I need to make it there tonight I said, and my luggage is checked in, what am I going to do. Looking at me with little emotion he said, “hold on” and begin typing for what felt like 7 minutes. Then he picked up the phone and called someone asking about rooms for at least 4. Finally, my anxiety couldn’t take it. “Am I going to be able to get on a flight,” I said with tears running down my eyes. Beau responded sure, “I’m going to send you to LA and then from LA you can have a connecting flight that will take you to Portland….
“What about my luggage?” “You will be traveling American Airlines and they are our partners, your luggage will be taken care of, you won’t have to pay an additional fee, and your connecting flight is in the same terminal, so you won’t be late.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I got you.” Beau said with a smile. “Ok, do you mind calling for a wheelchair again, I can’t navigate this again?” “Sure, have a seat over there, one will be here shortly.” “Thank you” I said as I made my way back to my seat. Some time went by and a woman came to get me. I saw her first, so I walked over to her and gave her my ticket information. She then explained to me that she “didn’t know where to go.” Tears begin to well up in my eyes again as I looked in her eyes and saw hate. Getting up out of the chair I asked her to come with me so she could be told where to go. Half walking and waiving to Beau, I asked him to “please explain to her where to take me.” I don’t remember exactly what he said but we were soon on our way to American airlines going at a snail’s pace. I begin to get worried I was gonna miss it because as I understood “they were boarding in 30 minutes’’ and I still needed to get my bag out of Alaska and go to American get tickets re check my bag then go to the American gate. I don’t know if it was me or the young lady pushing me, but when I say I do believe if I walked, I could have gotten there faster. My knee wasn’t hurting yet and I didn’t have my bags. But before I could make an executive decision we made it to Alaska Baggage claim right in time to see my bag go by. Getting up as fast as I could I attempted to prevent it from having to circle twice and in doing so I injured my side (again), but I pushed forward. Getting back in the wheelchair the passenger support agent stated that she would not be taking me to the American gate because she worked for Alaska and with that we departed once I made it to the gate.
After waiting in line for about 10 minutes, it was finally my turn. After explaining how my flight had been canceled and I was transferred to American, she begins typing and asked for my driver’s license. Handing it to her I explained that I “also had a carry one.” “That will be $65 dollars.” “But I don’t have $65 dollars, and I already paid for my baggage with Alaska.” “You paid with Alaska, were not Alaska, we are American.” I know that but the guy at the gate said y’all were partners and it would transfer over.” “I’m sorry I don’t know who told you that, but we don’t do that.” “Can you call him?” “Call who?” “The guy at the gate.” “We don’t have any way to do that; you’re more than welcome to go back there and speak to him.” “But I will miss my flight if I do that and the money, I have is for my rental car.” “I’m sorry we cant do; we can’t waive that for you.” With tears in my eyes, I handed over my debit card and paid for luggage again. “Can you call for a passenger assistant please?” “sure, you can wait over there,” she said as she pointed to a row of chairs filled with people. Grabbing my ticket and backpack I walked to the chairs and noticed an empty one behind a lady’s dog crate. Do you mind moving that so I’m able to sit down?” “Sure,” she said, as she moved the crate that took up 2 seats. Sitting down in the one furthest from her I begin to worry I was going to miss the plain when a young woman who was eating came up to me and asked me was I waiting for help. Yes, I said, handing her my ticket. Sitting in the wheelchair with my backpack in front of me the young lady who said her name was “Naida” begin to move than stopped. “I don’t know where that’s at my tablet isn’t working.” Looking at her I begin to shake inside. “What do you mean your tablet isn’t working?” “I think the battery ran out.” She said as she wiped the crumbs from her mouth some of them fell on me and the floor. Standing up I shook myself off and put my hands on my head. “Why did you come and get me if you have a tablet that doesn’t work?” I said as I sat my backpack in the chair. This time I handed her my ticket so she could get a better look. Shaking her head she said, “I still don’t know.” “ok, ok, you coming with me up here, tell the lady at the front that you don’t know how to get me to this gate right here on here on this ticket. Without looking at her I marched back up to the counter to get assistance by the time I made it I turned around and she was still standing by the wheelchair about 15 feet away. “Ma’am the lady you called to help assist me to the gate doesn’t know how to read the ticket.”
“Huh, the agent said, “Yeah you heard me right she said she doesn’t know how to read the ticket and I was wondering can you help her?” By then the young woman made it to the front counter and I walked back to the wheelchair because I couldn’t explain it to her. Sitting down I waited for her to make her way back to me. “Do you know where you’re going now?” “Yea, sort of my tablet still doesn’t work.” I just shook my head in amazement as I didn’t think this could get any worse and we hadn’t even left Dallas yet. Tears began to fall again as I noticed she was walking slowly. Then she begins to clink her bracelet or something against the back of the chair. I turned up the ear pods so that I could try to down out the noise when we turned another corner, she made a right instead of taking a left where it said it was towards our gate. Turning down the music I asked her, “what she was doing?” she said, “my boss is right there, and I need to ask him something.” “What do you mean we need to go or I’m going to miss my flight?” Crying openly now she pushed me to him and said something in another language. “Please sir can you tell her to take me to my gate?” Holding up her I-pad she says “this doesn’t work I don’t know where it’s at.” Chewing his food he said “take her,” and with that she turned the wheelchair around and off we were at a snails pace to my gate. With the tapping on the back of the chair of her bracelet I just turned my music back up and cried and prayed in silence. Eventually we made it to the gate right while they were boarding. I got up out the chair and Lord forgive me I didn’t even say thank you. I should’ve said thank you, but I couldn’t. Walking up to the desk I was told that they were waiting for something and that I would be able to join soon.
After standing there for a while another lady came up and showed her ticket and the lady let her on. “Oh” I said, “were able to board now” and then the lady said yes, so I showed her my ticket and found my seat. On the plane I seen that my seat was in an isle row and I couldn’t silently cry anymore. I went to the back of the airplane and asked for water and if they had another seat that wasn’t directly in the aisle because I didn’t have people going by me. The flight attendant said that she would ask for me and for me to ask as well and I sat down and ugly cried for about 5 minutes. The flight attendants were really nice they gave me something to eat and checked on me periodically. I asked the lady sitting next to me if it was ok for us to switch seats and she said yes. I was so emotionally exhausted that I fell asleep and before you know it, were in L.A. I wasn’t happy about this. Again, I had a feeling this wasn’t right, but I prayed and I maintained. Once I got my backpack and everyone before me had deboarded, I made my way off the airplane and right when I got past the desk I realized I was supposed to take one of the wheelchairs that was waiting for me. I asked the gentleman dressed in American waiting by the desk if he knew “where my flight connection was?” He said, “oh you’re all the way over there you better or you’re not going to make it.” “But I was told it was in this terminal?” With a smirk on his face, he said they change that all the time.” “Do you know where the wheelchairs are? “You don’t have time for that and there aren’t any here, all you have to do is go straight then take a left” and honestly, I couldn’t follow him pas the left when he was pointing out the window across what looked like the tarmac. I asked him to please repeat what he just said because I didn’t understand how to get there on my own and I didn’t know LA’s airport as I hadn’t been there but maybe twice. The guy who I assumed was a desk agent tried one more time to explain to me how to get to my gate “or I was going to be late.” Then out of what looked like exhaustion he said, “you just don’t understand, I’m trying to tell you and your listening.’ Walking away from me towards the entrance of the airplane I followed because I still needed to know how to get to my gate when at least 3 of the agents said “stop” you can’t come back this way.” “Pointing to the guy who I was trying to get directions from I said “well he won’t tell me how to get there and I don’t know where my wheelchair is” when a shorter man came rolling out with a wheelchair I felt some relief. Holding out my hand “Sir, can you please take me to my gate?” He took one look at me and was like “No, you’re not the person I’m supposed to pick up.” “Where is the person you’re supposed to pick up, he’s not here.” We both looked around and then he said, “I’m late for lunch, I can’t take you.” “Please sir, I don’t know my way around and I had a wheelchair I just must’ve missed it”
Sitting in his chair, I restated that I needed help and I showed him my tickets and where I was going. “This is too far, you’re better off just walking, we can’t perform miracles here,” he said as he refused to move the wheelchair. Both the male and female flight attendance looked at us and I looked at them for some kind of help but they just started walking away. “Please sir, I need your help I need you to take me to my gate.” “I’m telling you, you would be a lot faster if you would just walk.” He said as he begin to push the chair. I guess he called his supervisor because he begin to explain how he was going to drop me off somewhere and take his break, “there’s nothing wrong with her she can walk, she just doesn’t know the airport and I’ve already pushed my break back 30 minutes.” Crying now, I begged please sir, just take me to the terminal as he stopped pushing the chair and bent down closer to my ear again and said. “I’m telling you we don’t do miracles here your going to miss your flight, get up and walk there’s nothing wrong with you.” Crying, I said “you don’t get to tell me what’s wrong with me, you don’t know” I said through tears. Slamming down his tablet behind me he begin to push again all the while mumbling under his breath that “I was going to miss the flight and I should just walk it would be faster. He must’ve stopped at least 3 times in an effort to get me to get out of the wheelchair with profanity and his opinions regarding my ability when we finally made it to the line to the bus that would take me across the tarmac. “Here you can get there quicker from here,” he said. But can’t you go on the bus I said through tears as I looked at him. No, you will go much faster if you get out of the chair. I was so embrarrased as their was a line of people and other gate agents that just sat there and watched him say how I should get up and walk to the bus. Finally I just got up crying I walked out to the bus and got on it and broke down again in an ugly cry when he came on the bus. I don’t quite remember what exactly happened after that but I think he blamed me for getting out of the chair and I’m sure I asked him would he want his mom to be treated that way and then he got silent. By the time I made it to the gate someone else asked me if I wanted a supervisor but I just wanted to get on the plane. Julio was his name.
Getting on the plane I noticed it was a very small plane and my environmental sensitivity was already on 10 from the constant spraying at my job so I asked the flight attendant if there was another seat that wasn’t in the back because the back seemed to have the most fumes and her response was to tell me “its not that bad, is it just in the beginning or will you notice it the whole time. After the 3rd time of trying to ask her to see about a different seat she finally looked and said I could sit in a different seat. Sitting down I just cried some more and closed my eyes and put on my mask. Once I made it to Portland, I found out that my luggage had been lost but that they would do their best to find it and take it to the motel where I was staying. Once I got to the rental I found I didn’t have enough money for it anymore because of the subsequent cost so I caught the train then a lyft to my room and cried myself to sleep so I could try to be prepared for court that I didn’t cause, Lord help me
*My deepest apologies, I do apologize about the verbiage, spelling errors, bad or no transitions, I just needed to get this out before the next thing happens. I am going through so much day after day, I have had multiple times where I can’t stop crying because it’s so much, but writing is my safe place, write or die, and this isn’t one of my best writings but I need to get it out. I have another court date I have to go to and another flight and I don’t know why it feels like the world hates me. I know I haven’t did anything to deserve this treatment, the loss, the pain, the betrayal, the reactive abuse from everyone. I do know that God will have his glory from this though, I do know that everything that I have every had or will have is because of him and if he can give it to me he can take it away. I thank you God for these lessons and who you will help with my story.
Proverbs 16:8 (KJV)
“Better is a little with righteousness than great revenues without right.”
Amen
References:
Port Allies Against Human Trafficking Pledge
https://www.portseattle.org/news/port-leaders-sign-pledge-against-human-trafficking
Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha
https://books.google.com/books/about/Care_Work.html?id=QDFbDwAAQBAJ4
What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us by Rachel Louise Snyder
https://www.bloomsbury.com/us/no-visible-bruises-9781635570984/
Trauma And Recovery by Judith Lewis Herman, M.D.
https://archive.org/details/traumarecovery0000herm/page/n3/mode/1up?utm_source=gemini&hl=en-US
Girls Like Us by Rachel Lloyd
https://archive.org/details/girlslikeusfight0000lloy?utm_source=gemini&hl=en-us
Dignity a Journal of Analysis of Exploitation and Violence: Disability and Human Trafficking Prevention Education and Professional Training
Disability and Human Trafficking: Prevention Education and Professional Training
Treating the Hidden Wounds: Trauma Treatment and Mental Health Recovery for Victims of Human Trafficking
Treating the Hidden Wounds: Trauma Treatment and Mental Health Recovery for Victims of Human Trafficking | ASPE
Violence Prevention: Hidden Harms Supporting IPV With Brain Injuries
TBI IPV Hidden Harms | VetoViolence
Journal of Public and Non-Profit Affairs: Exploitation or Empowerment
View of Empowerment or Exploitation? Ethical Engagement of Survivor Leaders in Anti-Trafficking Organizations
Empowerment and Employment of Survivors of Human Trafficking: A Business Guide
Empowerment and Employment of Survivors of Human Trafficking: A Business Guide | Reports | Sustainable Business Network and Advisory Services | BSR
