Indiana (A God-centered healing for Survivor’s, Pt.1)

*Please excuse the lack of proper verbiage, spelling, topic switching, and grammatical errors throughout this piece; I just needed to write or die! This is the first of 6 experiences I had at center’s for healing (California, Indiana, Minneapolis, Las Vegas, Texas, and Colorado) based off of my experiences which are subjective meaning that this is my truth, that this could have been you, that healing shouldn’t cost, yet it does and that’s the truth, and YES it still hurts.*

The first shelter/safehouse/center for healing for Human Trafficking/Prostitution/Child Sexual Abuse survivors (whatever you want to call it) I had ever been to was in California while I was at Pepperdine attempting to obtain my Master’s in Legal Studies, so I will end this series with California (honestly was the best one for survivor’s coming directly off of the street) but start with Indiana. I also want to say that just like I grew up houseless on the streets I also grew up in Shelters alongside my mom and even as an adult who experienced DV/SA my children and I also utilized shelters and never had I been exposed and treated with such blatant disregards where my weaknesses were used against me by the very people and agencies meant to support me in healing.

I originally tried to get help for healing when I ended up in a mix-up years ago but instead I was ingnored because I didn’t play a part in the crime and so I was low-key criminalized when I graduated with my undergrad at PSU (back in 2009). I definitely dodged the bullet and truly am thankful I didn’t have anything to do with them busting my homeboy and some other folks who I thought were friends. There was a minor involved and it was bad and I don’t know how I didn’t get caught up in that, except I came around after the fact (thank you Jesus), and did not let that ninja near my house (thank you Jesus). Maybe they showed mercy because I had been slightly sexually assaulted when my so-called homeboy (RIP) left me with 2 ninjas after we got high off wet. To be fair he probably was scared of them ninjas, however I ended up with a DUI, carless, glassless (as they had been broken during the course of them groping me) glass in my foot, tazed and some mo, but because I didn’t have anything to do with the police so-called Prostitution Ring bust (it was really 1 nigga who brought everyone else in on it, but if they knew they accountable, PERIOD), I couldn’t get help to get out of the life that I chose to do at that point…So like my momma would say I kept it pushing because “it’s harder to catch a moving target.”

Indiana Hope

I wish I could remember how I ended up in Indiana, here’s what I was able to piece together. I know my mom was getting progressively sick and was pushing me away. I was unable to take care of her, myself, or help my grown-ass children. I had been wrongfully fired from another job for filing a lawsuit against a different job, and then being nit-picked at for doing work that the new supervisor deemed not “representative of someone with a Master’s degree in Social Work,” wearing a shirt that said “God” on it (even though I wasn’t seeing clients that day), and other things that others were allowed to do. I was deemed angry or aggressive and back-doored before I knew it. With no job, loss of hope, loss of friends (or who I thought were friends), not on good terms with my children for the most part and wanting to help my mom, I found myself sleeping outside of my mom’s apartment on the bench or in my car (I chose the option that was the coolest). I had been calling an agency that is known for placing people who had been exploited by a pimp (in their various forms, whether it be as a child, survival sex, “sex work,” or prostitution.

* A little HerStory about how I became a Renegade*

My experience is I did it because I grew up around it, I saw my momma do it, I saw other 304’s do it, my first father figure was a pimp, but I didn’t like him at all. Maybe it was all the fighting and the nightmares that came from with the life. There were others like Jimmy ( and his ho’s, but that didn’t last long) and the guy who said he was a street sweeper, but my favorite was Robert and they called him Hawk and he was so cool. Everytime I hear Computer Love I think of him (Rest In Power). Not to mention my real dad was a pimp (but that’s a whole nother story). I spent alot of time in and out of motels on Pac Hwy. on the track. I saw my momma beat by pimps, chased by a tricks (she could run too) who she had robbed and some mo that I don’t want to dwell on just yet. I was exploited as a child for change (literally), by my aunt’s trick and molested at least 4 times as a child and in my first relationship at the age of 11, pregnant around 13 (forced to get an abortion) approached by my moms trick “sneaky pete” who I willfully gave him a peak for some money because why not? I was broken or at least I thought I was. I was determined to not be like my mom, so after the heartbreak that came with falling in love with a boy who was just as hurt by life as I was, I just gave it away for free because at least I wasn’t a ho (lol). Pregnant again at 17 and ostracized by a mother figure for not doing better, I just focused on school and I promise I been in school every since. I mean every chance I get I’m in school because I feel safe and I love knowledge. Like my aunt says I’m book smart, street smart not so much. So back to Indiana around 2024….

So I would have these virtual interviews where they would find reasons to not accept me in the program after re-traumatizing me by making me relive (tell) how I got to where I’m at. Only to say well you can’t have weed in your system, or you need to be in this state in a shelter to get help first, and the list goes on and on. Well Banana Indiana finally said yes, and they arranged my flight there. It was in the middle of no where in a compound. I guess they had other programs there but I didn’t see them, with the exception of the women in a higher level than us at church. So here is my attempt to journal, again I apologize because as I read this I don’t even understand it, the dates are all out of order but it is what it is…

*Journal Entry begins with naming The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit, followed by his creations: Mother Earth, my Ancestors in the bible, my Bloodline, and those I Chose. Then my family and friends who I pray for and everyone attached to us (even my enemies).*

June 6, 2024 Dear God I don’t knowhow many journals I have started and stopped nor do I know how many prayer books I have. It seems as if they are all scattered everywhere. Anyways I pray that this is one of the one’s that I get to finish that doesn’t end up lost or stolen. {At the top of this page is a list of my loved ones who I pray for protection and covering for, whom I provide intercession for}. I then follow it with a thank you to the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit followed by a thank you for all of God’s creations specifically Mother Earth whom sustanins us and almost everything we rely on, my Ancestors, in my bloodline, and those that I chose. I ask them to guide us protect us, provide for us, correct us and to continue to use those of us that are living for his will. The 2nd page goes on to say Today I unfollowed everyone on social media. It’s fake anyways, why not keep it 100, I even blocked some followers. I’ve never felt so threatened, alone and free at the same time. I wish God would just get this over with. I want it to be over with, I want my life to be over with. I know that’s sad to say and who ever may read this might ask “why didn’t you have hope?” And I would respond well you haven’t seen what I have seen, you haven’t experienced what I have experienced; the hatred, malice, intentional lies and interfereance, the misleading, mocking, joking, re-telling the narrative to support their lack of support or offense, laughing at my expense, the emotional and physical pain I have experienced. You haven’t seen people do weird ass shit when your by yourself and when you try to explain it people give you a funny look like “yeah right.” You haven’t looked into the eyes of those you love the most and saw nothingness, just black where their once was a deep walnut brown, or a light brown, I have. I’m so sad I just don’t get it how people feel ok with doing intentional harm to me, treating me as if I had done something to them. I know I don’t deserve this and I can say is God where are you?

Continued.... I see you God. I just don’t understand because you made man to have connection but I see so many of your people alone, homeless, like me and I can’t imagine that this is what you wanted for your people. Godbless JDPB4Life

June 8th 2024- Airbnb on a Horse Ranch

Today I saw my first colored butterfly in a very long time and the first one this season. It always reminds me of Jerry and how he took me to the butterfly symposium and I say butterflies the size of my head and I have been in love every since. I had him take me right to a tattoo shop and that’s where I got my 2nd tattoo a blue butterfly. Anyways I lucked up and got to stay on a horse farm for minimal about of money and it was in great condition and so quiet and comfortable and they even had a complimentary bottle of wine. Sometimes I feel like I’m crazy but I know I’m not crazy, I’m just dealing with a lot and I want to forget which is why I take drugs but that only succeeds on me loosing the little brain cells and self-esteem I have left. God I know you’re here and I know you will continue to bless JDPB4LIFE & everyone attached to us, even our enemies, in Jesus Christ name I pray. I want to go back to the apartment and check on my mom, but she said she was busy and in the bathroom, God please send someone to walk alongside me to help her. I feel like i’m loosing her and I feel bad because I keep asking her to not leave me even though I see shes suffering. I know it has something to do with her neighbors, some weird man that I have caught outside her door and keith as he is no longer coming through for her like before. Anyways Lord let me be slow to anger, slow to speak, and quick to forgive. Amen

June 12th, 2024 (Journal Entry)

Dear God I’ve never been able to look in the yard and see horses, what a magnificent creature. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced quietness like this, I honestly don’t want to leave. It is so quiet I can hear the horse talk from across the whole property, I can hear whispers from the wind and the direction they are whispering them, it feels like being in God’s yard if I could describe it as anything. Then I start to feel grief again and it’s so heavy it feels me up until it comes out of my eyes. Anyways I just wanted to write about this experience before I forgot about it. God thank you for protecting Paris, Dalayjha, Barbara, Sandra and everyone attached to us. We will all like and declare the good works of the Lord in Jesus Christ name Amen. (I’m relying on you God please show me not just a way but your way).

June 19th, 2024 (Journal Entry)

Dear God I apologize about the lack of writing, I have been trying to find a safe place to go and I believe I may have found one through a 3rd party after being denied for what I would consider every reason in the book. Nonetheless, God please bless Joyclyn, Dalayjha, Paris Barbara, Joshua (and his family), Jonathan and his family, My dad, My brother and sisters and their mom, and children and families, all my cousins, aunts, uncles on both sides and everyone attached to us and around us. Thank you Jesus for having the final say…..

Cont….. Jesus I’m so tired I really don’t want to be on this earth anymore but I love you and I trust you to get me through this and Dalayjha, Paris, Barbara and everyone attached to us Amen

June 29th, 2024 (Journal Entry)

Dear God please continue to bless Joyclyn, Dalayjha, Paris, Barbara, Sandra, and everyone attached to us, we will live and declare the good works of the lord in your name amen.

June 29th, 2024 (Cont. My thoughts about where I’m at)

So I’m assuming all the travel arrangements were made for me to go to this place of healing via plane. It was in Indiana and in the middle of no where which I kind of liked. It was like on a compound which I liked as well. We each had our own room and bathroom and a huge closet that I kept closed because it smelled like tons of aerosols had been spilled inside of it. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut because once I let people know my education it’s almost like they get offended by it. It’s not my fault I know what trauma informed, survivor centered care is and my right to advocate for it. At the same time I am still teachable but I’m not gullable , meaning your not gonna give me chicken and tell me it’s turkey. I do so in a nice way but some just can’t take it. Anyways I’m getting ahead of myself.

June 30th, 2024 (Journal Entry)

Dear God it’s my second day here at the Center for Hope. I came back to my room to find a dead bug on my bed, when I asked one of the resident techs where it could have came from I was told it may have fell out of the ceiling. The funny thing is that there was not vent above my bed or anything of the like. Anyways it was my turn to go outside for a walk. We walked around the compound and also got to see the dogs they were training which was nice, they were nice dogs. I really could have used more walking but I’m learning to be happy with what I get. I think they were confused with if I was supposed to wash today even though I didn’t have any clothes to wash or if I was supposed to go for a walk. Before this I had to speak to staff regarding my environmental sensitivity and they in turn let the other residents know so they could be mindful. As I feared as soon as this was none different residents started wearing what smelled like bottles of cotton candy perfume. I dealt with it, separated myself and when we walked I tried to walk ahead of her so that I wouldn’t get a breeze from her. That night I promise you someone was stomping above my head for at least an hour. I thought to myself well I know they said they have other programs here but none above my room that I could remember. When I asked I was told that those must have been interns or security that lived up there, The smart mouth me asked why would they be stomping in 1 place for at least 8 minutes straight, there was no answer to that and quite frankly I didn’t expect one. I knew then that this would be a problem. After asking for more clarification about exercise I was told that I could go outside everyday for a walk and then everyother day. I’m just wondering to myself are they doing this to get a response out of me. Like trying to see how I will respond to change because why is the constant telling one thing to telling me another thing.Jesus I just want to say thank you for constantly following me Dalayjha, Paris, Sandra and everyone attached to us, for covering us in the Blood of Jesus Chris Anyways Jesus I rebuke who ever is playing with me or will try to play with me in the name of Jesus Christ and I send whatever you sent towards me and my family back to the spirit that used you, and even further back to the pits of hell from whence it came from. Amen

July 1, 2024 (Journal Entry)

Dear God I went for a walk today 3x around the building, but before that one of the residents whom I would call a little girl in comparison to my age asked about my sensitivity by saying is my lotion to strong for you. I responded it was strong but I could deal with it. After that she went back and put more on and offered it to her friend and made it appoint to come next to me every chance she could. Anyways we had church today and it lacked luster. I mean I really missed watching The Potters House of Dallas, however I truly tried to participate but I don’t think I did a good job of it. It’s like I had to leave my car that I owned to come hear and I feel stuck. I know one thing that this is an inside job and Jesus I still ask for you to protect Dalayjha, Paris, Sandra, and everyone attached to us. I also pray for this building and everyone in it, anyone that drives by it or comes in it and I just ask Lord please keep me in your will, put a hedge of protection around us, strike down any weapons formed even those that we may have knowingly or unknowingly made agreements with. Thank God you have the final say. In Jesus Christ name Amen. (Psalm 91, all day, all night, every day).

June 30, 2024 (Combination of Journal Entry and what I remember{clearly I had the dates messed up but I a go with the flow anyway})

Dear God a Resident Assistant who seems to not like me walked right past me and asked everyone else if they wanted a soda except for me. Then she came back around to me and gave me some soap that I had asked for the day before with someone else’s name on it. The name was “JP” when I asked her who that was she said she didn’t know. I then explained that my name is JB so I could see how she could have gotten that mixed up. She said it could have been because 3 people had just been moved to a lower level of care and that anyone could use the soap. I stated that it didn’t matter as long as it wasn’t too fragrant. Anyways as time went on more and more of the residents begin to spray more and more fragrance on. I’m not sure if I did something to them or if they just got a rise out of seeing me suffer. I just made it appoint to stay away from them and wear my mask. What else could I dol Moving on I was questioning whether this was a good place for me to be. One of the residents who was older than me stated that she couldn’t leave if she wanted to because her mom and a POA on her and wouldn’t let her leave unless she finished the program.

That made me think like is this place really that bad. Then there was the coffee incident where I made coffee and walked away to come back to find stuff in my coffee (it looked like a piece of glass) and from then on I learned to not leave my stuff around. The next day I was told that I coldnt go out for fresh air but I had to lift weights. When I explained that my body wasn’t used to lifting weights without water afterwards and that I didn’t think I could do it I was told I would get written up for not following rules and it could potentially get in the way with me finishing my program in a timely manner. As I was writing in my journal she became interested and so I let her know that I would be writing in my journal about my experiences and if she wanted to write me up about that as well she had the right to do so. I begin to worry because it felt like I was being ganged up on so I went to another resident tech and asked her to please not write me up for journaling and give me a chance to fix things as they arise. Moving to the next morning one of the technicians came to my room and asked if I wanted breakfast and I didn’t feel well so I declined. Apparently, she went and got me food anyway in case I changed my mind but she forgot to let Karen the Resident Tech know, so later on Karen came over to me and told me to not leave food out from breakfast. I said ok. I then got up and went into the day room and asked who had brough the food up that I was being blamed for, they stated another tech who brough the food up and not I. I just left it at that so she could know that it wasn’t me that had brought the food. When one of the residents stated that I noticed Karen’s face harden as by that statement it proved that I wasn’t the one who brought the food and thus should not be getting written up for it. Nonetheless I then warmed up my tea and discarded the food that was brought up for me. I then grabbed my tea and headed towards my room, I then heard her say to other residents is she taking her tray to her room and that’s when she began to follow me to my room. Before she could exit out of the day room I turned around and went back into the day room and stated that I had through the food away that the other staff had brought me and the only think I had was my tea.

I went on to say that I felt that she was picking on me and that’s when another one of the residents stood up in her defense and said “she is just trying to do her job. My response was to ask her to please allow me and the staff handle it. The resident continued to yell at me like it was her job and her place to do so and the staff allowed it while telling me to calm down even though it was the resident who inserted herself and was escalating. I then walked away because I could see that this wasn’t getting anywhere. I was told to come back and made to sit down with them at the table while everyone made jokes and was in a light mood and I felt like I was dying inside but I still followed the rules (mind you this was day 3 of me being there).

*January 20, 2026: Unfortunately, I lost the journal I was using to finish this so I will have to rely on memory.

So I will say Indiana did a lot for the community. There were apparently many shelters or programs housed at this site as well as a foodbank, clothes bank and a place where they trained dogs. I will also say that no place is perfect but this is what I remember. The following day or maybe a few days later I woke up not feeling well. I was told that I was being asked to come upstairs and talk with what I’m assuming was one of the Executive Directors. I know this was because the night before I had spoken about the way the Technicians were handling me etc., but I didn’t ask to file a grievance or anything. Anyways when I said I couldn’t go up stairs so that I could explore other options (I guess they had decided they didn’t want me there either) she came down stairs. I really wish I had my journal because trauma brain is a real thing and I was having a whole panic attack. Anyways a red headed lady came down and stood at the door with her hands on her hips asking me to come upstairs. By this time I was in full panic mode and I asked if she could call the ambulance. She just stood there and looked at me and re-stated that she would fine me a different place to go. I asked again to please call the ambulance. Honestly I don’t remember if she shook her head no or she just stared at me. What I do remember is after me asking at least 3 times she finally went and called them.

When the ambulance arrived they took me to the hospital. I was able to calm down with medicine and then a nurse that was at the hospital apparently was familiar with the place I came from and she felt the need to tell me that it was a good place and to try to get me to go back after I was treated. I guess she didn’t like the fact that I disagreed with her and in doing so asked her could she work on treating me and not discussing on whether or not that place was good or not. It got so bad I had to turn on my video on my phone to get her to stop escalating me (because that is what she was doing). The Dr. came and asked why I recorded the nurse and at the same time I saw that they were pushing a computer or device by that looked like it was recording me. I only say this because in response to the Dr. I said the same reason why yall are recording me and he said “that’s fair.” I tried to call anyone I could who could send for me and the only person who did was my daughter. She was able to get me a ticket but they were about to put me out on the street which sent me into another attack. I’m not sure of what exact hospital I was at but I know it was in the hood and I know with 2 suitcases it wouldn’t be a good idea to be out in the cold. The place that sent me there well they don’t help you if things don’t work out even if it is the programs fault, your just on your own. So I had all my stuff searched and upstairs I went. I stayed a night and talked to a therapist and somehow I got a ride to the airport and went back into the situation I had just tried to escape.

I really wish I could remember everything. I wish I would’ve wrote this sooner so that I would have my journal and not just rely on my memory alone. Having finished this one it makes me sad because I went to 4 other places, hospitals and even ended up in jail. I endured torture in jail in adseg after having an allergic reaction. I was assaulted by a resident, lied on and what is basically a continuation of what I experienced in Indiana. These places are all connected and at the last place when I was discussing my life and what was going on there the therapist tried to get me to say that I wasn’t expereiencing what I was experiencing and blamed it on my past experiences And now that I’m looking at this she was right. It could easily be interpreted like it didnt happen to me and it was just my trauma, but I know God knows the truth and that’s what matters. Stay tuned for part 2 of Heal or Jail Write or Die: A survivor’s memoir in pursuit of the healing society said she needed: From where everything stays to where everything is bigger.

(again I apologize for the lack of congruency in this writing. I have been through so much in 6 years really my whole life, and right now someone is doing construction and it is so loud and it’s hard to focus with pounding and drills going on).