Trigger Warning: graphic content depicting childhood sexual activity, drugs and abuse
(some of the names and references have been changed due to my trauma)

“Art imitates Life”

Lifting myself up on the stool I waited for 6th grade art class to start.  Feelings of relief surrounded me because I was on time, and being on time meant that I could avoid the stares of random people I did not know.  From the hallway I heard commotion of the adjacent class emerging from their room and a laughter that still makes me smile to this day.  As a few students begin to spill into the room in came the boy that produced the laughter that will forever give me nostalgia and butterflies. Bang slamming the door behind him right in another students face he threw his head back and laughed.  Grabbing a piece of bubble yum out of his pocket he quickly unwrapped it and tossed it into his mouth discarding the wrapper on the floor he greeted the art teacher “Hey Mr. Cooper, what’s crackin?” With that the white-haired middle-aged man looked up from his desk  “Hi EBTA, please don’t slam the door on other people, that’s not nice.” “Oh, I didn’t know there was anyone behind me,” he replied as he took a seat across the room from me. Looking at me, he pointed and said “who’s that, who are you?” Ignoring him I rummaged through my book bag acting like I was looking for something hoping he would move on to something else. “Hey can you hear, what’s your name?” Still I continued to shuffle things around in my book bag an attempted to make it look like I was busy when the next thing you know he had gotten up from his table and came over to mine and snatched my book bag. “Hey,” I said as he darted across the room with my book bag in tow. “Give it back!” I shouted, laughing he said, “go get it,” as he through my book bag right at the art teacher’s head.  Thank goodness the art teacher had been watching and managed to duck just in time causing my book bag and all its contents to hit the blackboard behind him and fall to the ground.  Everyone froze and began to laugh except me. I stood there staring at a beautiful copper complexioned boy with long thick black curly hair, chubby cheeks, a million-dollar smile and eyes that seemed to look right through me; I was in love. “What is wrong with you?” I said through clenched teeth. “What, what you gonna do about it?” he said as he begins running straight towards me. Realizing that I was no longer doing the chasing but being chased I spun on my heels and began to run around the desks that filled the art room with the boy right on my heels while the art teacher yelled at us both to stop running.


“Just wait Joy”

And I guess I haven’t stopped running since.  Running to him, running away from him, trying to run with him because I sure couldn’t wait on him, and I damn show couldn’t keep up.  So I tried waiting; “Just wait Joy, I will be back I gotta get this money,” that was his favorite line.  And while I did, the trauma in me, the pain he caused me, the love he gave then took away from me, just added to the pain that made me run.  My love for him never depended on him loving me back and I guess that’s why I still love him to this day. We didn’t start dating until a year later in 7th grade if you want to call it that.  I still remember the nights we would stay up on the phone often just listening to one another breath, falling asleep on the phone, or telling jokes or arguing, or listening to KUBE 93.3 together as people dedicated songs; some of which were to him from other girls.  It didn’t matter though.  I wasn’t going anywhere.  When he called I would come, with the exception of one time.  The first and only movie we went to together was Home Alone.  I remember coming all the way from my aunt’s on Pacific Highway and  getting off the bus at Renton High School.  There he was waiting for me with a Mariners baseball cap, blue dickies, blue Pendleton, blue G-nikes, and grey dickie gloves.  It was December and it was cold and the walk to Renton cinema was quite a ways. So he gave me his gloves, and we held hands and walked and stopped periodically and hugged and kissed, he gave the best hugs and kisses.  Eventually he even brought me to his apartment in the highlands to meet his grandma and his uncle were there.  It was brief but he still brought me nonetheless.  He was always entering and leaving abruptly, that was his M.O.  At first I thought he was just ignoring me but no, this boy stayed in juvenile.  I would often write but he would get out before he could write back.  When he showed up to my very first middle school dance at Mknight I felt nothing but butterflies as he took my hand and led me to the dancefloor and we slow danced to R. Kelly and kissed.  And then he was gone again.  I’m not sure if he went to juvenile or just wasn’t coming to school but he was gone again.


“Pimpin Ain’t Eazy”

Actually, I think we may might have went to another movie together Boyz-n-The-Hood, or either he met up with me and my really good friend at the time after we had come from the mall.   I met her while going to Northgate but somehow, we linked up at McKnight.  We had decided to get our earlobes pierced at Southcenter mall and get sweatshirts made.  Mine was blue with black letters and said Pimpin ain’t eazy and hers was Black with blue letters and said Mackin ain’t eazy.   And because I had little to no oversight I was allowed to keep my piercing while her dad made her take hers out.  Then I got suspended for wearing mines while her’s was deemed acceptable.  I didn’t understand then, but I do now.  I guess you could say that was a missed opportunity for the school to do some education and prevention on sex trafficking, but they were too busy keeping up with teachers who fell asleep during class.  I think it’s called narcolepsy. Everyone loved that class because as soon as he fell asleep, we kicked it and when he woke up we acted like we had been working the whole time.  Nonetheless, the school never asked why I thought that it was a good idea or what was going on in my home.  Instead, they just sent me home for 2 days and I went to go meet up with him instead when I was supposed to be in school and my aunt never knew the wiser.  I would sneak through his window and using his bathroom when the coast was clear from his uncles or grandparents.  Eventually I hooked my other homegirl up with one of his friends, well 2 of them but this was the first one; Earnest. And when my aunt was out of town on a work trip, I thought it was a good idea for everyone to come over.  I had it all planned out, I would ask for permission for my homegirl to stay the night and they would come later


A Virgin Cruise Across a Waterbed

“So you gonna come over or what?” “Chicken butt!” “Come on quit playing, I want you to come over and bring Earnest, my home girl will be there and we’ll have the house to ourselves, yall can stay the night, and I miss you?”  “And what we gonna do?” “I don’t know what their gonna do but we can do it.” “We can do it, you mean you gonna let me be the first to get that pu$$y?” “Why you gotta talk like that?” “Like what, ain’t nothing wrong with it, your mine, always will be, you better not never go nowhere girl, I’ll kill you if you do!” “Shut up boy, yea, I’m gonna I’m a give it to you just don’t tell nobody.” “I’m a tell everybody, your mine, and that’s my pu$$y’s mines, and I do what I wanna do!” “Shut up, you better not, well meet you at the Mcdonalds on the highway at 7, and don’t be late, I love you.” “I love you too girl and make sure you have my pu$$y ready for me.” “Yea, ok bye.” “What you mean bye I’m not done talking, we get off the phone when I say so.” “Look, I have to get up in the morning and clean, you gonna get me in trouble again.” “You gonna get yourself in trouble if you don’t listen to what I say, now you can get off the phone,” Click, and with that he had hung up.  This mothasucka, I love that ni$$a, I thought to myself as I dialed my homegirl. “Hey girl,” “Hey.” “So, my aunts going out of town this weekend and I need you to come over Earnest is gonna be there, and me and EBTA are about to do it.” “GIRL, no your not?” “Yes, I am, why not, I want to see what it feels like to give myself and not have it taken, I have never had sex, sex but I been touched plenty of times and forced to do other things, so this time it’s my choice and I love him, I’m gonna be with him forever.” “Girl, you’re crazy, but I will be there…. lol.  Ok, come at 6 and we are gonna meet them at 7.” “Girl I can’t believe you’re doing this, but I will see you then.” “Bye,” “Aight, bye.”


How easily I made that decision not knowing that once you give it away you can’t get it back.  I still think I would’ve did it even if I knew that, although there were times in my life when I questioned that decision.  Friday came with the quickness and as I said goodbye to my aunt and my little cousin that was living with her as well, I took a bath and prepared to lose my virginity.  Putting on a blue romper with yellow flowers I thought I looked fly.  I Laid my hair in a slicked back bun, I finished my look with eyeliner and lip gloss, clear jelly sandals and I was ready.  Once my homegirl got there, we rolled a joint and smoked on the patio.  I brushed my teeth, sprayed some perfume, and put some Visine in my eyes before we headed to McDonalds because he would have a fit if he knew I was high, he didn’t play that. We walked about a half a mile to McDonalds and waited inside for them to get off the bus.  Just like clockwork they got off at 7:04 and you couldn’t miss them as they were decked out in Blue, all Blue everything.  As we began walking together back to my aunts, I grabbed his hand and gave him a kiss. “What happened to your face?’ “It’s nothing you know they be trying to get a ni$$a.” “Are you hurt?” “I will be alright it ain’t the first time I got jumped.” “Where did this happen, when did this happen?” His friend chimed in “yesterday at Peter’s market, I told the ni$$a to wait before he went up there.” “What you mean ni$$a the Park is my stomping grounds, I wait’s for no man.” “Well, you see where that got you stomped out.” “Shut up ni$$a I won, what you talking about?” “I’m talking about that black eye and them marks on your face nigga, it looks like the curb you was hitting won.” “Fuck you ni$$a,” “Fuck you too.”  Laughing we continued walking and soon made it to my aunts. Soon it was me in him alone in my aunt’s room.  My heart was beating 100 miles a minute as he pulled me close to him and kissed me softly.  Sitting on the edge of the waterbed he kissed me on my face, neck and chest while his hands fumbled as they tried to get past my underwear which weren’t easily accessible due to my romper. Rubbing my hair and gently bitting my lip he asked, “Are you high Joy?” “No.” I said lying, shaking his head he got up and begin to take off his clothes. He whispered, “Turn the lights out and take that off,” he whispered.  Shaking on the inside I walked to the light switch and turned the lights out, turning around he was standing right in front of me completely naked, immediately embarrassed I avoided looking at his body and focused on his beautiful face, gently he pushed both straps to my jumpsuit off my shoulders and as my outfit fell to the floor I was left in a training bra and fruit of the loom underwear.


He again fumbled with my bra to know avail frustrated he practically broke the clasp as he pulled my bra down instead of releasing the clasp and pulled my panties with it. “Lay down,” he ordered and I tried my best to get in a comfortable position. Climbing on top of me he begins to rub his penis on me and then he attempted to stick it in where I was sure it didn’t belong.  Oh, the pain, and it seemed to go on forever.  As the waterbed moved he attempted to move with it in rhythm.  Tears begin to fall down my cheeks but I don’t think he noticed consumed with what felt like breaking me he continued.  Finally, something gave way as he moaned my name. “Ok, can I go to the bathroom?” I said. “You got to go? “Yeah, I been holding it.  Reluctantly he got off of me and I quickly grabbed my romper putting it on with no underwear I went to the bathroom.  Looking at myself in the mirror I felt different, like an adult.  Going to the bathroom I seen a hint of bright pink blood on the tissue and I hurried back into the room where he continued to insert his penis where it felt like it didn’t belong.  I could definitely tell he was enjoying it, while I was moaning out of pain and finally, I was saved by the bell in the form of my homegirl knocking on the door. “Aye cuzz y’all done yet?” his homeboy said. “No ni$$a,” “Yes, we are hold up I interrupted.  “That’s ok I’m a get you later girl” he said as he let me up and we both got dressed. “I thought I had had sex with a virgin before, but that bitch was lying, you got the best pu$$y I ever had, damn I want some more.” “You can have some later,” I said hoping later never came.  That shit felt like punishment.  What was the point, why did people have sex I thought.  If that was it, then I didn’t want it.  Later we were all in my aunt’s room with the door closed shooting the shit watching a scary movie when the phone rang in her room.  Answering it, it was my aunt, waving my hand to quiet them “Hey auntie, how you doing?” just checking on you.” “Hey aunty” a man’s voice said, “wait who’s this?” It’s me Joy, Manuel I’m in the living room.” The blood in my body ran cold as I motioned again for them to be quiet. “Where are you at?” I’m in the living room aunty asked me to come and stay the night.” “oh, ok well I will let y’all talk were just in here chilling” and with that I hung up the phone and quietly mouthed for EBtA and his homeboy to get in my aunt’s walk-in closet. “It will just be fore a little bit until he falls asleep,” I assured them as I closed the door and me and my home girl quietly laughed because they didn’t come out until my cousin left that morning.


Late Nights and Porn

So there it was on a regular basis I was at his house climbing through the window, often getting dropped off at my homegirls in the Southend only to act like I was going inside but once my aunt left I was  walking to Othello to the 107 faithfully.  Sometimes he would show up and sometimes I would be waiting outside all night. Either way by the time he showed up I was guaranteed to get in trouble for being high and get slapped across the head or worse but the nights of listening to R. Kelly until the tape popped and making what I thought was love was worth it.  One day I came over and he mentioned he had watched a movie at his friend’s house, and he wanted  us to do what they were doing in the movie, and that’s when things changed.  That’s when we both performed oral sex on each other and other things I wasn’t agreeable to, but I couldn’t say no.  This was coupled with an increase in violence, unwanted anal sex, head butting, punching in the ribs and head.  When I didn’t want to do something, I would have my hair pulled then my pubic hair pulled, my breast squeezed and pinched, I was pushed out of his window on to the ground multiple times.  What was once gentle lip biting turned into biting and sucking so hard that it would be swollen for a couple of days.  I would often leave in the morning with difficulty breathing because of my ribs and having aftershocks or orgasms at the same time.  I thought that was normal the joy and the pain of it all.  As long as I had him, he could do whatever to me.  There would be times when I would hit back but he would just laugh and the punishment would be worse.  Then there was the time he almost drowned me in his shower.  I could go on with the abuse but there was love too.  We would meet almost anywhere and have sex.  The hospital after he had gotten shot, Renton Voc Tec after shooting my first gun, White Center baseball stadium in the rain, The motel across from Safeway while he was hitting licks, and even my Mommas floor while she was sleep in the room with dirty rice while the door was open.  There was never a dull moment, that was my first love and my first baby’s dad rest in heaven. 


The Play House, my pregnancy and my Momma

One day he had me meet him in Holly Park he had been over there handling business all night I guess.  “Come on follow me” he said as he held my hand and led me through the maze of projects located at the bottom of Holly Park.  We ended up at an intricate series of boxes between 2 buildings. “I’m not going in there.” “Yes you are” he said as he pushed me inside, I fell on my knees, and he was right behind me. “Come on Joy don’t fight me,” and I didn’t I let him have me there in the playhouse.  I just pushed it to the back of my mind what else could I do.  I was gonna marry him, he promised me, so he could have me anyway he wanted to and he did.  I always left smelling like cologne and curl juice, but I loved it, I loved him although I liked his hair without the curl activator he liked it with it.  Life is so small he ended up knowing my play cousins and it was one of my older male play cousins who probably was mad that he couldn’t touch me anymore thought it would be a good idea to tell my mom I had been devirginized in the Playhouse at Holly Park.  I still remember the hurt look in her eyes when she asked me on my aunt’s porch on Othello. “Are you having sex Joy, did you get devirginized in a playhouse.  Looking at her pain I couldn’t lie. “Mom, I didn’t get devirginized at a playhouse, but I have been having sex.” She burst into tears and I could do was leave.  I couldn’t even call him and let him know what happened and ask him why he even told people.  He was juvenile again.  It would be a couple months later when I would find out I was pregnant and his little sister told her mom who made me tell my mom who demanded I get an abortion.  I didn’t even have time to thing about what to do.  He was locked up again, so I had no choice.  We went to an abortion clinic right off of  288th and Pacific Highway and I’m sure that was my boy, that’s now in heaven now.  I began to see less and less of him when one day he decided to come over to my house in White Center and everything was going fine when my phone rang.  Damn that phone.  I knew it was a nigga.  Looking at me he asked “are you gonna answer that.” “It’s probably just my mom I’m gonna just let it ring and then it was on.  When I told you we was fighting over that phone.  Him trying to get to it and me trying stop him.  It was like the scene in Friday when Pinky came to the record shop and caught Ice Cube in the lobby.  Covered in curl juice I won but he left, “just wait I will be back.”

And he continued to come and go, of course and it was always ok for him to have girls and women in his life that I knew nothing about, there were even friends of mines; Michelle in middle school then Megan, and other girls I knew of but I never had a problem with any of them, like why would I, he was my first and last and it is what it is, that was until this girl answered his phone one day when I was an adult. She said “no new friends” like it was a Drake video or some shit; she said she would “ruin my life, that she would go on social media and find me,” that he said he “didn’t deal with Black girls” and that I” was ugly,” hurt that I even went through that I politely told her to “stay in her lane” and I hung up and blocked her and waited for him to land again, but that’s a ho other story….


References:
Pushout the criminalization of Black Girls in Schools
Pushout: The Criminalization of Black Girls in Schools by Morris, Monique | Paperback | 2018-01-15 | The New Press | 9781620973424 – Biblio

Scripting the Black Masculine Body: Identity, Discourse, and Racial Politics in Popular Media
Scripting the Black Masculine Body by II Ronald L. Jackson II


Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children
Indicator and Recommended Inquiries and Responses for Social Workers
(PDF) Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children: Indicators and Recommended Inquiries and Responses for Social Workers

Fighting the US Youth Sex Trade
Stop US Youth Sex Trade | Literature manuals for schools – Walmart Business Supplies

Human Trafficking in Americas Schools
Human Trafficking in America’s Schools (PDF)

National Children’s Alliance Article
The Real Red Flags of Grooming | What Every Parent, Educator, and the Public at Large Needs to Know – National Children’s Alliance

Child Sexual Abuse Warning Signs and Information
Child Sexual Abuse and Warning Signs

The effects of aggressive pornography on Male Aggressive Tendencies
Effects of Exposure to Pornography on Male Aggressive Behavioral Tendencies

Adolescent Porn and Mental Health: Understanding the dangerous effects of porn on developing minds
Adolescents, Porn, and Mental Health: Understanding the Dangerous Effects of Porn on Developing Minds – Culture Reframed

Frontiers in Child and Adolescent Psychology:
Frontiers | Impact of pornography consumption on children and adolescents: a trauma-informed approach

American Bar Association: Child Law Practice
How Pornography Harms Children: The Advocate’s Role

Australian Institute of Criminology
Adolescence, pornography and harm | Australian Institute of Criminology