The Case Study that is me:

As I made my way to the courthouse, I realized that I was breathing extremely hard.  After speed walking close to 6 blocks from the bus stop, I no longer felt the sweat escaping my pores as it consumed my entire body leaving my blue blouse, Navy blue and drenched.  Waiting in line I wondered if I should put my mask on to prevent an environmental flare up as the stench from the train next to the Lew jail/courthouse annex reeked of gasoline. Looking briefly at the jail, I reminded myself of how thankful I was to not be in there anymore.  The week I spent there was bad but not as bad as Wise County. The ordeal I endured before Lew jail was bad but it wasn’t as bad as the nightmare leaving Refuge for Women Texas before I was  wrongfully put in Wise County jail. Maybe because I had been there longer, or maybe they are both equally horrific. Jolted out of my thoughts by the movement of the line, and promise of air conditioning, before I knew it, I was in the cool air in less than a minute, and placing my bag in the medical detectors. 

Seeing that the elevators were packed I decided to wait for the next one only to find out that a whole different sea of people showed up. Holding my breath I realized, I was just going to have to squeeze on the elevator with everyone else and push the uneasy feeling in my body back into its place.  Of course, I didn’t remember which floor I was supposed to go to, pulling out the crumpled court paper, the only thing it said was 10 at the top.  Pressing all the floors on the elevator that weren’t already selected, I peeked out the door on every floor and nothing looked familiar even though this was my 4th time at this courthouse.  After making it to the 8th floor, I glanced nervously at the remainder of the people on the elevator and looked at my phone to see if I had put it on my calendar and there it was, the 4th floor.  Why didn’t I look at that first, I thought as I scolded myself.  Making it back to the 4th floor I made my way to the waiting area for courtroom 10.  Before sitting down, I looked at the court dockets to see if my name was on it.  After I found my name, I noticed it said announcement next to it.  What did that mean I thought as I took a seat on one of the courthouse benches facing Monique Huff’s court, the court I thought I was assigned to.  Looking at the time I decided it would be best to send my new attorney a text to avoid having to wait 3 hours like they had me waiting the month prior just to be told that the DA wanted to settle this in “mental health court.”  I politely but firmly declined “No!” I said, “why do I have to go to mental health court for the abuse I endured at the hands of a bunch of people at Oxford house”, to which the police not only participated in but played a major part in their validation of my abuse.  He said “fine,” and together we scheduled our next meeting to go over all the videos I had in my phone.  That would also give him time to go over the multiple police calls made during the 4 days that my roommates and their friends (Oxford house leaders) decided they wouldn’t abide by the law and take me to court like the first set of police officers told them they had to, they would take all the food along with anything I could potentially cook with if I did get some food, change the door knobs, remove all the lightbulbs, and verbally and physically assault me by way of spraying tons of perfume to harm me by way of my environmental sensitivity.  One of them even went as far as physically blocking the door so I couldn’t get out after spraying tons of perfume, and having one of the Oxford House Leaders, Miguel drive by and pull into the driveway shining the lights on me (he verbally assaulted me as well and pushed his way in the door after being told to not come in the house by another Oxford house leader).

At 9:09am I sent a text: “Hi Jeff I’m here at the courthouse where are you?”  A couple minutes went by and he responded: “Who is this” This is when the uneasy feeling came because why you don’t know who you meeting this morning or at least have an idea, but I remained calm responding “Joyclyn Bell we have an appointment at 9am” “Ok I’m up in another hearing I will try to run down real quick.”  I quickly typed “How are you double scheduling and we picked the date together.” And right when I typed that I heard “Bell” from down the hall and looked up and saw my new lawyer.  “Right here,” I said as I waived my hand so he could see me in the sea of Black and Brown heads waiting for court.  In a rushed gait holding a document he made his way towards me.  Reaching out I asked “what is this?” “That’s your next court date.” He said, holding it out to me.  Grabbing the paper, I looked up at him still sitting down. “I need you to look over the evidence today, though.”  “I don’t have time, I was given a hearing yesterday and I have to be there.” “What do you mean, we scheduled this day together, why didn’t you call me yesterday so I wouldn’t have to come up here?”  “I can’t control that, I have a hearing today, and I have a lot of people I’m representing,”  You see all these people here.” He said as he waived his hand around the room “there all waiting to be represented,  are you going to sign it or not?”  Afraid I would get a warrant if I didn’t sign, I looked at the paper noticing it didn’t even have a time on it.  “Where’s the time, what time am I supposed to be here?”  “9:30, on the 19th of August, ” he responded.  “Well can you put the time on there, because it’s not there?” I said as tears welled up in my eyes I thought I better just sign it and leave, what else could I do.  Tearing off the pink copy he handed it to me.  Getting up I expressed my concern further but kept it to a minimum because all eyes were on us at this point.
Making my way to the back entrance which is really the front I stopped to allow some tears to flow as the nerves in my body started twitching again.  I put my hands up and did what I know to do was to thank God, “Thank you Jesus, your such a good God, look at how your taking care of me.”  I repeated over and over again until a guy came up behind me. “Excuse me ma’am,” he said as I moved out the way I looked to the other exit that was right next to me and went out that way just to make sure that one could actually go out that way, and I did. Never mind that the guy could have went that way.  I needed to calm myself down.

Making my way in the heat, I felt hopeless again. But I continued to thank God, thank you Jesus, I know you’re with me,” I repeated until my thoughts switched how could I keep up with all these court dates, all the abuse, all the cases.  The tears mixed in with the sweat and I’m sure you couldn’t even tell the difference. What is going on, I thought.  It’s like every lawyer I get is playing with me.  Walking to the bus stop that would take me to my case management, something said look at the paper he gave you.  There happened to be a bench and so I put my stuff down, grabbed a drink of my water bottle and pulled out the most recent paper I seen a list of reasons for the next court date: announcement, discovery, investigation, felony pending, plea of guilty, revocation hearing, trial, pre-trial and a couple others and at the very bottom there was an X right next to “Other, specify” where it was written “Specialty Court.”  Very lightly, but it was written.  “Now, wait a damn minute,” I said out loud.  Reaching in my paperwork I pulled out the one from the previous month and sure enough it had “Announcement” checked and all the way at the bottom it had “Other, specify and Specialty Court Referral written in.  Here came the tears again. 

Not again, I thought why are all these lawyers backdooring me, trying to say I’m crazy, either quitting or asking me to request a different lawyer, threatening me with jail, giving me incorrect information.  This just couldn’t be normal, something isn’t right.  I immediately thought back to the lawyer in Wise County who screamed at me in the court room as a final effort to get off my case.  Then of the new lawyer assigned by the judge who refuses to communicate not even letting me know the change of date for court.  Then back to Oregon where my attorney hired a forensic psychiatrist refused to let me know how to contact her (I had to ask the court to make him) and had me show up for court unprepared not even knowing what type of court it was.  The forensic psychiatrist said I was delusional because of all the things that happened to me.  She basically said it just couldn’t be true.  I wish that wasn’t the case.  I wish people believed me, I’m just tired.  My nervous system is under attack by everybody.  I don’t know how much more I can take.  The blaring of a ambulance as it drove by brought me back to the present as I reached for my phone I first tried to call my lawyer for this case and then I texted him.  “What is specialty court,” I texted.  “You rushed me to sign it, what is specialty court?” “You tried to get me to go to mental health court and I declined, you said you had just came from the DA did yal do it anyway????”  “WHAT IS SPECIALTY COURT?” He finally responded “that is the mental health recommendation by the prosecutor it does not mean you are agreeing to it.” Hot, walking down the street I texted and walked at the same time, “That doesn’t make sense.  Stop putting that stuff on my paperwork that’s ridiculous.”  “What is the next court date for if its not for specialty/mental health court and why are the papers 2 separate colors?” I sent him photos of the 2 documents and his response was “8/19.”  That’s not what I asked.  Why is specialty court selected on both documents one last month selected “Announcement,” with Specialty Court Referral written in, and then this month it just says “Specialty Court?”  He responded, “I told you that is the prosecutors recommendation in your case which you have rejected.”  I replied, “Is it common practice to select it on documentation after I have declined?”  He wrote, “yes they still write their recommendation on there.”  I wrote “that makes no sense, if you look at the paper it looks like I’m going to specialty court on the 19th as a result of the referral that I signed because I could barely see that it had written in under Other, specify “specialty court referral” and now it looks like I’m going to specialty court on the 19the because here it is selected again.”  I quickly googled the Dallas court house in an effort to call them and see what there records showed.  I quickly became frustrated as every number I chose on their website either just rang or wasn’t an active number.  Stopping again at a bus stop to see if another bus was coming I looked up the website with the presiding judges number and found the court coordinator whom I had left a message for last month after waiting multiple hours for the new lawyer to show up (she never responded, nor did she call back).  Attempting to call her I left a message asking for support.  I then looked up Specialty courts to see if I could get answers from them.  I reached a program director’s number and left a message.  This makes sense now, I thought to myself because when I had the lawyer try to look up the case at NFNL she couldn’t find this one anymore. 

At that point I just stopped texting him and focused on calming myself down. “Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, your such a good God, you have the final say, I am all things through Christ who strengthens me, help me God,” I said over and over again crying, sweating walking down the street I could feel the battle in my mind telling me that I needed a drink, I needed something to make me feel better, to make me stop crying.  Pushing past the urge to use I continued to pray, I continued to give thanks and focus on God’s promises.  Making it to the day center I felt defeated.  I felt like I was going to pass out and I didn’t know if it was from the heat or stress.  My body kept twitching so I spent most of the day in the bathroom trying to compose myself.  What could I have done to make so many people hate me, so many people try to harm me and no one believes me, I thought.  I just want to provide for myself, I just want to help people, I just want my mom.  5 lawyers, 4 cases and that’s just criminal, nevermind the retaliation and wrongful termination cases that I can’t get a lawyer to help me with, it’s too much, just the legal aspect alone is too much for me to handle by myself, Jesus help me!

1 Corinthians 1:18-21 (NIV Study Bible)

Christ Crucified is God’s Power and Wisdom

“For the message of the cross is foolishness.” To those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.”

“For it is written: “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence if the intelligent I will frustrate.”   “Where is the wise person?”  “Where is the teacher of the law?”  “Where is the philosopher of this age?”    “Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?” ” For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.”

Amen