“NOT AT 7425” you won’t and I guess she was right.  Why did I even go back there, the Lord only knows why.  After going there the last time and being ambushed while I was depressed due to my past employment issues; basically kicked while I was down by my own aunt for saying “nigga” to her, then being told I could only leave through the front door, down the front stairs that were covered in ice and snow basically so I would fall (I’m assuming but what else would have happened had I even attempted it). I had to have been insane thinking it would have gone any other way….

Was it for closure, or because I didn’t have anywhere else to go?  Was it because I wanted to see my daughters, and that was my best chance?  Or was it because I wanted to cook for my moms birthday since I couldn’t face the way she was taken from me, the way I was excluded when she couldn’t even make decisions for herself, the way I couldn’t save her, the things I witnessed her go through by her neighbors and the very family who did nothing while she suffered but who doubled back, the things she told me she went through that I brought back to life (with her permission) that my own uncle told me ” never to speak of” and punished her for doing so before she died? I mean I didn’t even come for the celebration of life, was I even invited after not being able to face her death? Yea, it was definitely all of those things or maybe it was none of them.

-Some Text Messages from Monday January 19th-

(Text from me to my aunt)

“YOU NEVER SAID IT HAPPENED TO YOU BUT MY MOM AND LINDA SURE DID.

AND IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT MATTERS IS HOW MY MOM WAS DONE AND HOW YALL TRYING TO SWEEP IT UNDER THE RUG.

I TOLD THE TRUTH IN THE VIDEO AND I DID NOT SAY YOU JUANITA GUY GOT RAPED ON THE VIDEO.  HO WATCH IT”

*GO WATCH IT SINCE YOU DONT BELIEVE ME.

“as far as the text maybe I accidentally inserted your name where my MOM’S should’ve been and if I did I apologize.

I did say that Ron said he wanted to fuck me because I was trying to stop him from anusing Jordan and I got kicked out because I couldn’t talk to him right after he said that.

And all yall didnt try hard enough to help me with my mom I said that.


Don’t you worry I’m not done talking about what Calvin and your brothers did to my mom.”

“A whole month I was kept from my mom and you didnt know, ok lol have a good day”

(Text from my Aunt to me)

“You said it in the text I read it myself and no I will not watch it, You can stand by whatever you want, I know that I played no part in her POA or medical decisions other than to offer for her to come here when she called me crying because she had nowhere to go, you even said that I made her leave because of Trent which was also not true, i didn’t put your Mom out nor ask her to leave, she left because she was mad at me because I told her she needed to do physical therapy so she could walk again, your blaming me for what you think I had a part in and not factual happenings”

Text (to my aunt from me)

“If it was in the text it was a mistyped.

The rest is what matters to me.

And its all gonna come to light don’t you worry, like I said the video was the truth and I’m not done so if anyone said they watched the video and I said you they lying, and if I typed that it was you I mistyped that and I apologize because you never said you and aunt Linda only said Calvin “tried to have sex with her”

Also my mom was not in her right mind when she left your house.  She went back to her apartment and those people took her to the bank and she supposedly gave people money who did not like her, people she didn’t talk to after Trent and his brothers were doing stuff to get her to leave while you were at work”

*Text (from my aunt to me)

“I don’t worry I  sleep with a good conscience, you can say and do whatever you want I have nothing to hide or be worried about regarding your Mom”

-Text Messages from Wednesday February 18th (My mommas Birthday)-

1st Text (From Me to my aunt, 9am)

“Happy Birthday Momma”

2nd Text (from my aunt to me)

“Happy Birthday Barbara 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈 🎁 🎊 “

3rd Text (From Me to my aunt, 1pm)

“Hi, when you get home from work can I come over and make me a crab boil with my moms butter sauce?”

4th Text (From my aunt to me)

“Are you asking to come cook at my house for just yourself “

5th Text (From Me to my aunt)

“I only have a little fs left.  Im happy to share what I’m able to afford.  You no we don’t deny people food

Crystal Trent’s sister denied me food and gas money to try to go see about my mom in the hospital in Washington, but we not them”

6th Text (From my aunt to me)

“I knew whom, but what does what someone else did have to do with me and my household, you should reach out to Laylay because she was thinking of cooking a meal in honor of your Mom that way there will be enough for the household”

7th text (from my aunt to me)

“So funny she just reached out to me.  Did you reach out to her?”

8th text (from my aunt to me)

“Yes”

9th text (from me to my aunt)

“Oh, ok, well I think she wanted to cook something different so we can put them together because that’s what I want to cook”

*I was making a point, my apologies for the confusion, like a misplaced joke..lol

“Can I wash a load of clothes and my bedding = 2 loads?”

10th text (From my aunt to me)

“Ok you know my washing machine does not take full loads, its only meant for a household of 2, your bedding alone would be 2 loads”

“Are you going to need to go to the store”

11th text (from me to my aunt)

“I have the comforter you gave  me and 3 pillow cases = 1 load + my clothes (1 load) = 2 loads”

“I dont sleep on the sheets/blankets here.  I just wrap up like a like a burrito in what I came with..lol”

12th text (from my aunt to me)

“I thought I gave you sheets as well”

13th text (from me to my aunt)

“Yes I need to go to store is Trent at work?”

14th text (from my aunt to me)

“He will pick you up on his way to get Laylay so yall can shop together I don’t know exactly when, you can ask Laylay”

15th text (from me aunt to my aunt)

“Im a call him”

“🫶🏾”

“Trent said he on the phone with the IRS”

“He has them on speaker and asked me to call you”

“So I wont get to your house because he stopping everywhere wont take me to the store he said he would  so I might get there at 6 or 7 after he rushed me at 2 pm to leave Matt Dishman”

“Sandra’s coming but the way I’m being taken everywhere else and they chilling I will be there late.”

“Im waiting for my Lyft from Safeway.  I dont have power that’s why I didnt answer”

-End of Texts from that day and between me and my aunt-

February 18th (My account of what happened)

I felt weird my mom not being here. I was too tired to go to the gym and I had been crying all night, all morning for that matter. I decided to text everyone else happy birthday to my mom since I couldn’t text her.  So I texted my daughters, my aunts,my uncles some of my cousins, I even texted “the love of her life”/abuser turned “devil”, Keith.  I wished I had her phone which had that guy Larry’s number (Keith’s cousin).  Why was he texting my mom like that.  Why was he all in her phone and Keith’s no longer in her phone.  They took everything that could prove what she had been going through but like my mom would say “keep it moving baby, you got this!”  No one texted back except my aunt and Dalayjha and thankfully After I was given half-assed permission to cook at my aunt’s house.  It didn’t seem like she was too excited about that.  Dalayjha didn’t seem the same, and I have to accept that something happened and I hadn’t spoken with Paris at all but I was still thankful.

Trent had said to “be ready at 2” and he would pick me up from the community center, so with tears running down my cheeks I gathered my energy together and got off the floor to brush my teeth, grabbed my towel, swim clothes, and hygiene and was out the door.  As I passed by the New Seasons I decided to go in.  Immediately the counter containing fresh baked goods caught my eye, the chocolate cupcake specifically that I used to buy her were glistening through the display case, lingering there for awhile I could feel the tears beginning to well as I turned away to hide them from the baker as she asked me if I “needed anything?” “No, no thank you” I said deciding against buying anything as I walked out the store. Crossing the street I allowed the wind to dry my tears turning my head upwards I could feel her through the sun beams on my face, through the cloud breaks in the sky, through the squirrels crossing my path stopping to give me a knowing glance as I marched onwards.

After a short while I made it to Dishman checked in, and noticed I had a few hours so I headed to the gym to shoot some hoop.  Somedays my accuracy is better than others but baybay when I tell you I made almost every shot. Thanks to my skills and my angels guiding my ball. After working up a sweat, I made my way to the pool in my yoga pants and sports bra and began to warm up by moving my body in the water.  Emerging my whole head in the water I attempted to touch the bottom of the pool and after unsuccessfully trying a few times I went to the hot tub to let the jets ease my muscles that had been aching and contracting as always lately. After the hot tub I went back to the pool took a deep breath blew all the air out and jumped into the cold water, sinking all the way to the bottom until my feet touched it.  I did this a few times attempting to shock my nervous system back to health.  After a few Tabata’s and a couple laps I felt rejuvenated so I made my way to the locker room to see that I had 3 missed calls.  I looked at the clock and it was 1pm. Half holding my towel I dialed Trents number back, “yea what’s up,” I said. “Are you ready come outside, I’m out here.” “I asked you to come earlier and you said “no” that you would come at 2, I’m not dressed yet, give me 30 minutes I just got out the pool.” Hanging up the phone I felt as if I hadn’t even had gotten in the water.  Every bit of joy seemed to melt off me as the realization that this was not going to go as planned.  10 minutes later the phone rang again and I ignored it trying to do something to my hair with conditioner and grease only. Looking in the mirror I chuckled to myself as I felt like I didn’t even know myself anymore. I used to do my hair or at least I had a way to do my hair, I used to care about my clothes but as long as they are clean I would wear them again. Grabbing my things I exited the locker room as Trent called again. “I’m on my way outside” I said as I hung up the phone not even waiting for a response from him. By the time I made it to his truck he was on the phone so I sat outside the car because I didn’t care to hear his conversation. He motioned to me to get in the car but I acted like I didn’t hear him. I truly did not like this man anymore. I could see through his facade and I guess he didn’t like me either, and that’s ok. I finally gave in and got in the truck as he continued his conversation. I don’t know why he was rushing me because he literally sat there talking on the phone for about 10 minutes before starting to drive slowly down the back streets. Everything in my body wanted to scream “F-ing DRIVE!” but I practiced patience, I practiced using the fruits of the spirit (peace, love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control). I just wanted to cook for my mom’s birthday. I just wanted to celebrate her. I just wanted to know what happened, why they allowed her to be taken from me, why no one told me she was there, why???? I was focusing on thinking about the end result. He eventually turned towards me and told me to call my aunty stating she had tried to call him. I texted her and let her know and continued to try to self soothe myself as he was driving in the slow lane allowing every truck to get in front of him. After around 20-30 minutes we finally made it 3 miles at the least (by freeway) we stopped at a store where we were to and pick up my daughter. Trent asked if I could get him a water so I went in the store and grabbed his water and me a beer. Eventually my daughter came and I got in the back so she could be in the front. On the way back to the NE Trent said he had to stop and pick up his grandkids. I asked “could I please just go to the store first?” His response was something like it wouldn’t take to long and we needed to go to a different store (Wincos) on the side of town that we just had came from. My blood boiled at that point however, I maintained self-control but I was crying on the inside. Like why wouldn’t you just drop me off. Why didn’t you say this earlier? All these thoughts came rushing through my head all at once.

Once we made it to the NE, my daughter asked to be dropped off at my aunts which he obliged no problem. Once she got out, I stayed in the back seat and he/we went to pick up his grandkids. Little cuties they were. That actually made me feed better. I asked Trent “could I just go to Safeway or Fred Meyer nearby.” He responded “that’s too expensive Joy.” I was like “I don’t care” I want to go to the store. I don’t remember what he said about the store but he said he had to go pick up his daughter now. At that point I put my head in my hands and looked at the babies, and turned on my music to keep my spirits up, to keep me grounded. After picking up his daughter I was told we had to go to King School to either pick up another one of his grandkids or drop off his sister Crystal’s grandkids. I’m not sure at this point as it is close to 5pm and tears were actually falling. Once we got to King School, Crystal’s daughter and a few other people were there that Trent was either related to or knew. It was at least 3 cars and they were all talking and chatting. As calmly as I could I was like “you told me to wait until 2 and then you rushed me, and then you say we have to go to a specific store and I have my own food stamps, and you won’t even take me to get my clothes so I could wash, what the fuck is going on?” Immediately, his daughter grabbed her baby and Crystal’s grandbaby and said “your doing to much cussing.” This left me and Trent in the car. I ignored her and continued to ask Trent to please take me to the store.” He said something along the lines that we had to wait. Someone who was parked behind us who I thought was just someone waiting for their kid came up towards my window and started talking to Trent who stayed in the car. I had a feeling that I should just go, if I was ever going to get to the store I should just go, so I grabbed my wallet and pushed the remainder of my stuff underneath my swim clothes and I just walked away. I turned my earbuds on high and sang to the Lord, sang to myself, sang to my mom as I walked to Safeway which was about 3-4 blocks away. Once I made it to Martin Luther King it begin to rain. Passing by the meat market someone was grilling ribs and I jokingly asked for “a rib.” That seemed to make him chuckle, but I was serious. Making it to the store I bought potatoes, shrimp, crab, seafood boil, corn, a cupcake pan, onions, peppers, rice (I spent all my stamps and the last of the money I had and I assumed my aunt had all the seasonings I would need. The guy at the counter was nice enough to package all the seafood and I made my way to the checkout counter when my aunt tried to call me. I didn’t have much battery left so I let it go to voicemail and she hadn’t texted so I didn’t think it was important. I called the Lyft and went outside to wait when a lady asked if I had some change. I told her I didn’t but I would go buy her something, so I did just that. It was my last, but it made me feel good to be able to give. Walking back to stand in front of the store I began to feel a bit of relief. I had managed to get to the store and now I would be able to cook for my mom, in tribute of her for her birthday.

Pulling up to the house I immediately felt a sense of despair. One of the garage doors was open and I could see my aunt standing in the dark. Now, it was dark outside but not completely so it didn’t quite strike me as too weird. Grabbing my groceries 3 at a time sitting them on the curb, I looked once more inside the Lyft to make sure that I didn’t leave anything. Picking up 2 bags I walked up the incline leading to the open garage door saying “hi,” I took 2-3 more steps towards the garage door that led to her kitchen and I lost balance and fell with my groceries in my hand. Walking from her car she made it right towards me and said “Jordan put that there, are you ok?” “I’m fine,” I said lying, because how come you didn’t let me know there was something in front of the door and you seen me get out of the car and come this way and why are the damn lights off. I stuffed those emotions down picked up my bags and the items that had fell out and walked them up the stairs to her kitchen and went back outside to grab the rest. Once I got inside with all my groceries Leeko came around the corner with lot’s of energy and I matched that trying to mask my sadness. “You making sweet potato pie Joy?” “No but I’m making something close, sweet potato cornbread,” I said. “That is a nice necklace you got,” I said. “Here you want to wear it?” Sure, I will try it on. “Is this cubic zirconium?” He laughed at me as I posed and took a photo and posted it right to my Twitter (X). Giving him his necklace back I begin to prep for the seafood boil chopping up the onions, bel peppers, sausage, and potatoes when I realized I didn’t have any seasoning salt. I looked in the cabinet and there was no salt, pepper, garlic powder nothing. Walking to my phone, I grudgingly tried to call Trent to ask him if he could bring some seasoning as I noticed my aunt walk from the living room heading down the stairs “hey can you see if there’s some seasoning downstairs,” looking at me she nodded her head and went down the stairs. Leeko began arguing on the phone and I walked past him into the upstairs living room where I saw the twins sitting in the dark as well. “Why y’all in here with all the lights off, I didn’t even know you were here,” I said as I turned the lamp on so I could see them clearly. I haven’t saw y’all in a while, y’all are so big now. Turning around I went back into the kitchen to look back in the closet like the seasoning was gonna reappear when it seemed like my aunt, my daughter, and Leeko were all in the dining room as Sandra showed up as well. “Aunty, can you please call Trent and ask him if he could get some seasoning please?” “I’m not calling him and asking him anything and neither are you!” “Wait, why not?” I said surprised as her tone was one of disdain to say the least. “I just want to cook for my mom,” I said as I turned around the knife flew out of my hand and hit the butter dish and it cracked. Fuck I thought as she said “get out my house,” “Wait, why I just want some seasoning, I just want to cook!” I turned back towards my food and tried to keep chopping as Leeko came over to me saying “put the knife down.”

Everything immediately went from 0 to 100 real quick. ” I’m not leaving, I need to cook all this food I bought!” My aunt yelling responding to my comment “we bought all that food, you breaking shit get the fuck out!” Ignoring her I turned around again and tried to continue cooking and here come Leeko again, “Joy put the knife down you have to leave!” “This is not your house so stay out of it,” then here come my daughter all yelling at me, why because I accidentally broke the butter jar, or is there more to it. At that point I just pushed all that shit on the floor including the knife because that’s all I need is for them to say I was trying to cut someone. Walking over to my phone that was plugged in here come this little nigga getting in my way. I grab my phone, he knock it out my hand as he trying to push me towards the garage. No, no, no, no, no, I thought to myself and with one more swipe I grabbed it as he pushed me almost to the garage door and as I stood basically toe to toe with him I said again, “please stay out of it, this is not your house!” His response was to yell at the top of his lungs “Get out!” Now I knew this was real and this was happening. As he grabbed me again all the fight in me just left and I fell to the floor. Trying to turn on my camera so I could record what was happening he grabbed at my hands in an attempt to knock it out my hands. I heard him yell to someone “grab her hands” and next thing you know I have him and his daddy standing over me grabbing at me. Together they picked me up and carried me through the garage outside and sat me on the pavement. I got up just in time to see his daughter looking at me as she put the car in drive and smashed off with my bags in it.

What in the hell was this, I thought to myself. I got up and honestly I wanted to run, so I did I ran towards the street and I heard Sandra calling my name and I stopped I had never heard her cry and she was crying. Just felt like a failure, more of a failure. “What is going on, go get my wallet, why did she leave with my stuff,” I asked Sandra like she had the answers and like clockwork Keith started calling my phone back to back, text messages from my aunt and cousins all at once. Was this a coincidence I thought to myself, nah couldn’t be. I called 911, and Keith kept calling even while the police were there and once they came they were successful in having Trent call his daughter to bring my stuff back and after asking Sandra if she wanted to come I left crying, defeated with Keith still calling every couple minutes laughing at me, laughing at the loss of my mom, laughing at my pain, “you need some help,” he said laughing through the phone (this was the first I had heard from him since my mom had passed), everyone laughing, everyone is laughing, I thought as I walked in the dark, knowing that my bestfriend was gone, my bestfriend was my mom!

“As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you; and ye shall be comforted in Jerusalem.” Isaiah 66:13