Like the saying goes the “truth hurts”, however I can no longer hold it in anymore. I’m tired of holding the weight of people’s actions or inactions inward because I want them to love me, or see me. My silence has not saved or served me or my children. I thought I was a true believer in Jesus Christ before, but I wasn’t. These trials, specifically these last 6-7 years, have put my faith to test and through the fire. The only reason why I’m standing is because of God. Lord knows that I could not have made it out of this on my own. Ain’t no way I should be alive. I came back to Portland and my daughter is brain washed and not the same, I don’t know where my other daughter is and my own aunt won’t even let me know and has lied about her where abouts. And to be honest I’m mad at God because why would you let this world hurt my babies. Why would you not protect them and we have been through so much. Like isn’t this why I’m going through this so they don’t have to. , ok I’m a get it together… Back to Portland, oh I wish I would’ve never came here, but I had no choice because I was left stranded (again) somewhere else and the only help I was given required me to come back to a place that is not safe or healthy for me. I can’t even get a job to take care of myself, but God!
I first came to Portland because my aunt moved down here with her husband when I was between the ages of 12-13 years old. I omitted the truth to my mom because I knew my report card was coming home and I had spent the school year learning Jack n The Box’s menu so I said I wanted to come live with my auntie who had been like a mother figure on and off as my mom struggled with the symptoms of childhood abuse which consisted of addiction, domestic violence, being trafficked, prostitution, and evenutally pre-mature death. I absolutely wanted to live with her, there was security, food, nice clothes, and I could go to school and have a place to go to that was safe, but my report card and Barbara’s reaction was definitely the driving motivation. Of course when the grades came she called me and cussed me TF out! “You got one time to get in trouble and you are coming home!” Well they don’t call me Joy for nothing because I was living my best life. I had never been around so many Black people and I was popping at school. So popping that some boy decided to call my aunt’s house looking for me during school hours (at least that’s what I was told). This triggered my aunt calling the front desk who in turn called up to my classroom to see if I was there. This is the class after lunch so safe to say I was running late, and had a little habit of being late to that class. Well my aunt told my mom who said I had to come back to Seattle. So I went back and continued kicking it. In fact, I kicked it even harder because I came back to an apartment filled with cousins, sharing my room and bed! It was like 8 people in a 2 bedroom apartment! Not everyone stayed the night every night but sometimes they did. And albeit brief as far as time wise, I just didn’t want to be there. I did however do better in school but I eventually ran away, got in trouble, ended up in juvenile. I also got pregnant with my first daughter. I was told I “had to keep” her by my mom. Again, I wasn’t given a choice but I wanted my baby anyways because the time before that I was forced to have an abortion I was between the ages of 12 and 13. Now at the age of 17, I thought it was my first loves (again) at first but the Dr. and I did a time line and she said it more than likely was not. Besides everytime my babies dad called (RIP) I got sick. I was sick the whole pregnancy and my diet consisted of Top Ramen and apple juice, with a T-bone steak here and there. I will admit I had to smoke weed pregnant. That was the only way I was able to eat. Lord forgive me!
Even though I was told I had to keep the baby, my aunt, I guess in her disappointment in the 17 year old me decided to alienate me because of it. She said she didn’t want me around, she was so disappointed. She had a whole gathering with all my female cousins and aunts, they all came down here to her house and I wasn’t invited. Like it was said to me that I wasn’t invited. I got sent photos though, so I guess that’s a plus. Anyways when she said I could move back down there/here I jumped at the opportunity for me and my daughter to leave Seattle. It was refreshing to be back here. Even though my aunt and her husband were experiencing marital troubles I just tried to keep my little cousin from seeing it. I mean he had always called her “n*gger bit*hes” and things like that but this was different. It’s like he was different. I guess he had gotten fired from his job for selling weed on the side or something like that, to be honest I don’t know. I just know that he was facing jail time and I later found out that they were getting a divorce. I had enrolled at Portland Community College, and was about to take my academic journey to the next level. I had a little friend, chocolate and hood like I used to like em. For the most part things were ok, or so I thought.
One afternoon it was my aunt’s husband, my little cousin who was a toddler, and my toddler daughter, and I at the house. I was in the kitchen fixing my daughter some food when I heard little pitter patter foot steps from my little cousin in the living room or dining room area I’m not sure. I walked into the dining room to see my aunt’s husband open hand smack my little cousin in the head so hard he flew across the dining room. I went to go grab him and he snatched him up by the arm away from me. “Don’t hit him like that, he’s a baby,” I yelled, “fuck you bit8h,” he retorted. My automatic instinct was like “fu*k you!” He begin to come towards me saying “you lucky I’m going to jail already or I would beat your ass, get the fuck out!”
I was like “call my aunty.” He was like you do it you little bi*ch, I could fu%$ you if I wanted to,” and sat my little cousin down who now had a handprint welt across his face. I picked him up, grabbed my daughters hand went down stairs to use the phone and called my mom first. I don’t remember what her response was exactly but I know she was pissed and she called my aunty who came home from work. I couldn’t hear what her and her husband were talking about but she came out and said that he wanted to me to talk with him and let him apologize. I was so distraught as this man was like my uncle. I had been around him for extended periods of time, I believe he even saw me with little amount of clothes on as I stated I lived with my aunt and him periodically. I thought how could he say that to me. I couldn’t speak to him at that time, and that’s what I told my aunt, I said can you please just give me time. Her response was I either accept his apology and talk to him that day or “I had to leave.” So I had to walk away from school, what I thought was safety, from my aunt, and Portland, again.. I would do this many times for various reasons.
Fast forward to me being an adult, I tried to bring it up to my aunt, during a disagreement (in hindsight that probably wasn’t the best time). As I sat on the stairs in the garage she towered over me yelling at me about all the ways she saved me and my children from harm, which justified the treatment I got from her, in her eyes (I’m not sure what it was about, but everyone especially my aunt and one particular uncle had made it a thing to be able to cuss at me, yell at me and put hands on me, like this was the norm) and I responded why did you kick me out back then after I was just standing up for my cousin.
Her response was “you don’t get in the middle of someone “dealing with their child, I don’t care how old they are.” Hurt I responded “but he smacked him across the floor and he had a mark!” She was like I don’t F-ing care. I was like but “he said he could F me if he wanted to, what kind of a uncle lets that come out their mouth.” “Probably because you were going around fucking everyone.” And to that my friends I had nothing to say, what could I say. I just kicked her door to her new car and she picked up my purse and threw it through the garage doors into the street. Again, I was kicked out. I want to say that I did forgive him (RIP) for what he said, and I forgave her and I went back around them again because were family, and were not supposed to abandon family, were not supposed to let anybody know our business, we have to stick together because that’s all we got!
HOWEVER,
In the words of Audrey Lord, “Your Silence Won’t Save You.”
Breaking Generational Cycles (JDPB4LIFE) 