Heal or Jail, Write or Die….a survivor’s memoir in pursuit of the healing society said she needed: From where everything stays to where everything is bigger, Ep.2

Thoughts From The Present:

‘Hindsight is always 20×20” isn’t that the saying.  Well, I saw this coming, but if God is leading me how can I fail even if I fail (if you know, you know).  I can’t explain how I feel but I know that I have to write because I feel like I’m dying (still). Within the past 2 weeks I’ve had 2 lawyers in different states, for different cases try to abandon my case after they messed up trivial things like the time I was supposed to show up for court, or disclosing things to others that they wouldn’t share with me (what!).  For the 2nd time I got on a plane and had TSA agents flag me for my private area showing something there.  How embarrassing I felt as she walked away to handle something else leaving the screen wide open for everyone who walked by to see that my private area was lighting up.  She came back shortly thereafter to thoroughly pat me down, like she felt up and down my thighs on my tight pants I felt like I was being groped excessively.  My response was to say I hadn’t been touched like that in a long time, Jokingly I said I didn’t know if I should get her number after having her do that to me.  She said it was inappropriate for me to say that but what I want to know is how did that flag and I wasn’t even wearing underwear and how does that happen two times out of 3 plane rides?
2 days in the house where I’m staying and they already are at me, trying to get reactions out of me, testing my ability to handle conflict.  I was given a faulty UA when I got there, and when I asked for another one she just walked away and said, “it’s fine.” Leaving me there to just take it.  I even tried to go and buy one but was told not to. Umm you and another housemate got to watch me go to the bathroom like I’m on parole and then I’m told I have benzos by this test that has a faint line.  What!  I haven’t had any meds or pills off the street so where did that come from the edibles from the dispensary?  That’s a possibility but unlikely. I wasn’t told about shared food by the person who was letting me know about the house (I even asked before I walked 20 minutes to the store for food, but at least she gave me directions on how to get there). But when I returned she sure did tell me I looked tired and my response was that I’m hungry more than anything.  Later I asked her if I could borrow her salt and pepper and her response was to go in the cabinet and let me borrow shared food.  The very next day I asked someone else and she showed me 2 full cabinets and a shelf where shared food was stored.  Then I was accused of doing something to the computer, asked about the tv, asked if I left the house yesterday, and then right after she turned the Wi-Fi off ( I seen her reset the switch) all in one night.  I kindly asked her if she could give me heads up next time and then 2 other housemates who were having their own conversation stopped talking to answer for her blaming it on the lightning and flickering lights, but the lights did not go out and I saw her do it.  Moving forward I woke up with one of the worst headaches I have ever had and still have.  My hands are shaking even after being outside for awhile.  Anyways I messaged the house mates on Group Me asking if I could stay in because I didn’t feel well.  The response was to remind me about my Mp3 player playing church music after 8am. Which is during the time where you are allowed to watch tv etc. because “people work different hours” and I should close my door or wear headphones even if its ouside of quit time. It just seems like it is never ending.  It’s like when I’m around people they either give off ingenuine vibes or are blatant with their disdain for me.  It’s exhausting managing my mental health after having endured everything I have but when the disrespect is blatant, it’s validating because I know I’m not crazy, for example:
I went to the library yesterday and was standing outside when this random man told me, “to get out of here.”  He then came in the library and came towards me cupped his hands around his mouth and coughed directly on me while the other people in the library just smiled and smirked.  Well, with the exception of one person, who looked at me and displayed flickering empathy. I don’t know what I did, I don’t know why God chose me to endure this.  Right now, it seems like I just attract hate, conflict, and backlash, and no matter how humble, how gentle, how honest I am that is what I have receive, it is what I have to endure. Again, I know I should go to the Dr. but I’m afraid and the following story is a part of the reason why.  Nonetheless, I know I serve a good God and if he says I’m up for the challenge then so be it! With that being said I don’t want you to just feel my pain, I want you to enjoy it!

8/14/25 Journal Entry:
Bible: Jeremiah 36:1-7
“Take a scroll and write on it all the words I have spoken to you concerning Israel, Juday and all the other nations from the time I began speaking to you in the reign of Josiah till now perhaps when the people of Judah hear about every disaster I plan to inflict on them they will each turn from there wicked ways then I will forgive their wickedness and their sin so Jeremiah call Baruch Son of Neriah and while Jeremiah dictated all the words the Lord had spoken to him Baruch wrote them on the scroll, then Jeremiah told Baruch I am restricted, I am not allowed to go to the Lord’s temple so you go to the house of the Lord on a day of fasting and read to the people from the scroll the words of the Lord that you wrote as I dictated.  Read them to all the people of Judah who come in from their towns perhaps they will bring their petition before the Lord and will each turn from their wicked ways for the anger and wrath pronounced against this people by the Lord are great.”

Journal Entry from Where everything stays:
“Shortly later that day after sitting outside in a chair under a tree next to Dawn’s office I got really tired and even fell asleep.  Little did I know they were having a staff meeting right inside where they had decided I was making everyone feel unsafe because after being threatened then attacked physically and verbally I went to my room and went in the closet and began to scream that I wanted my momma after being prevented from attending a meeting that discussed what happened to me and how I was ignored that they said I would be able to because they felt I was too escalated but instead I needed to go to church.  I didn’t want to go to church, if I couldn’t have the meeting why would I go outside of the house around strangers if I’m too escalated.  Granted the young woman who said I “was shaped like a bag of potatoes, and was “withdrawing from crack” was funny it still hurt though after everything I had been through.  She followed that with stating “I shouldn’t be selling myself at 47 years old” and she was right, like I totally agree about that.” 
Me (8/15/25):
They decided that I was unsafe and I was asked to leave.  They called the other executive director who brought another lady with her and we sat outside where I had just fallen asleep and I was asked if I wanted to go to one of the houseless shelters or drug rehab.  She said she didn’t think I was unsafe like they were claiming so she agreed to send me to their sister organization where it’s bigger.  I was told that my flight was at 3 the next day so I planned to get up in the morning and get myself ready and pack again.  I begin to wash clothes but that was interrupted as the washer or the dryer started acting up so it took a little longer than expected.  When I went to go to get my clothes out of the dryer I found dryer sheets in there which I had spoken openly about my sensitivity to them.  I also was told at the last minute that I would need to be ready at 3am so here I was up at 12:30 rushing trying to pack my stuff.  I asked the staff who had been on shift for a few hours if I could have my file that stated what happened to me.  She stated that she didn’t have access to that and would reach out to the ED to get that.  I asked her could she call her. She said would text but was not going to call her.  I believe she said she would send that to me since I was going to a sister organization.  When I tell you I was up packing until the last minute I couldn’t fit everything back in my suitcases.  I was promised that they would send the rest of my stuff via mail.  So I left my daughters spare key, my deceased moms clothing, and my N95 masks for my environmental disability along with other items that were irreplaceable. I left them because I was promised that my items along with my file would be given to me.

Journal Entry 8/16/26 from where everything is bigger:

Dear heavenly father, the son and the holy spirit, the mother earth that you created, my ancestors whom you created, on whom’s shoulders I stand, in the bible, in my bloodline and chosen.  Thank you for always turning things around for your glory, even if it doesn’t feel glorious.  Thank you for waking us up, thank you for your protection, correction, provision, direction, and salvation.  I made it to where everything is bigger and it’s a beautiful house there are 2 residents here and after the weirdest flight ever (and I mean ever) where they made us wait at the gate for close to 10 minutes if not longer because of the young lady who was with me’s ID. (that was weird because why didn’t she just stay there and let me through because I had a passport and there wasn’t any problem with my ID)  Anyways they had 2 separate people that they had to call to come view her ID.  Loud-ass alarms were blaring the whole time.  Like I had never ever heard that kind of alarm at a airport and according to her she had never either.  As we went through the metal detectors or whatever TSA has my private area lit up as an indicator that something was there.  The TSA agent said that they had to pat me down and I had to take my shoes off and put them through a different scanner.  I looked at the screen and all I could do was laugh as my crotch was lit up bright red.  TSA agent was laughing and I could say was thank you Jesus, because you are so good!  Right when I got through I was given my phone back and I texted my youngest daughter and she called right back.  She didn’t quite sound like herself, she said she was alone but I don’t know if I believed her.  She said she hadn’t seen my oldest daughter but she was around her dude.  That was weird to me because why and how and that wasn’t like my daughter.  (I haven’t spoken to her since and I’m afraid for her) but I was so happy to hear from her it didn’t matter.  She said they let her cremate my mom but when I had called last I was told by the crematorium that they would “wait for me” to be able to get an autopsy but I didn’t press it.  I mean alarms were going off at the airport, and I had just been laughed at and groped (I had on underwear that time..lol), and it was just a lot.  I feel like I have brought things on my family for trying to do the right thing for me, but I also know we are generationally blessed and no weapons formed against us will prosper!  I’m sad about leaving where it stays, I’m sad that they called me a “witch” when I believe in Jesus and any gifts I have come from God, The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. They laughed at my sorrow, my experience, my phobias everything they could.  Is it because of the anointing on our lives, is it because someone has been doing things in my name, is it because I made a mistakes, is it because I’m speaking on my story, is it because we are powerful by the blood of Jesus Christ, I say all the above.

Journal Entry 8/17/25 from where everything is bigger:
Bible; Habbakuk’s Complaint 1-11
My prayer:
“Thank you Father God for your son who died on the cross for waking JDPB up and everyone attached to us, help us to turn to you more and more each day.  Again I call on you for your protection, correction and your provision.  Show up and show out like never before, we need you God to go before us and make a crooked path straight, help us to be slow to anger, slow to speak and quick to forgive.  Thank you for Mother Earth, for my ancestors in the bible, my bloodline and chosen people, thank you for everything that nourishes and feeds us, most importantly help Mother earth she is hurting.”
Thoughts in the Present:
Some of the stuff that happened at where it’s bigger I didn’t write about at the time because how do you keep track.  I know the young lady that picked me up from the airport broke my suitcase zipper (while she was going through my stuff and tried to get me to keep my journals locked up), and didn’t even say anything about it.  I know that once I stated what I had experienced at where everything stays that’s when everyone started getting tight (I even said it to the therapist and she got tight too).  Was I supposed just forget what happened to me, was I supposed to forget how they still refused to mail me my stuff after asking every day and being told that the ED went on vacation and the person that promised me that they would send my stuff they did not have contact information for. Yeah that’s why I write everything down because I do be forgetting.  As I read this journal entry it’s honestly hard to read so I’m going to paraphrase what happened when the verbiage isn’t digestible.
“Yesterday was interesting as I’m finding myself having to be trauma informed when communicating with the staff that is supposed to be trauma informed.” The weekend staff while a lively bunch were very temperamental.  Like when she got mad she started stomping and everything.  “This is crazy, Jesus only you can save me.”

Journal entry 8/18/15 from where everything is bigger:
Dear heavenly Father, yesterday was just as I expected although I prayed things would be different.  I’m waking up having issues swallowing, stomach hurt and a bad headache.  I only have one mask and it’s ran through.  I keep asking for my stuff and I’m told to wait or they can’t get in touch with anyone.  I told them I need my mask and it’s like they don’t care.  My room smells and it’s not like that in everyone else’s room and with their permission I went in there and it didn’t (the staff called me “an investigator” but if I don’t look out for me they sure aren’t).  The water had a smell of feces coming from it. Even the other resident noticed it but none of the staff said anything about it and my self just drinking it because we couldn’t buy food.  I mean it smelled so bad that I had to put a cinnamon stick in my water bottle because the smell lingered and we had a water filter.  Our movements were very much controlled at church or at recovery meetings.  We had to sit where they said sit and not drink their water or coffee, it was weird.  I understand needing to know where we are but stating we couldn’t drink, and making us sit by you specifically under a vent was triggering for me because I can’t be directly under fans etc. due to my disability.

Thoughts From the Present:
I have to stop here, I don’t feel well and it’s hard for me to see the words.  I probably should go to the hospital but I’m scared to go by myself.  God help me. One thing for sure is my mental and physical state has only gotten worse and it feels like I’m being railroaded.